Who Wants a Lab-Grown Penis?

When science fiction becomes science fact it’s always a little exciting.  Is it faster than light travel? Artificial intelligence?  Life on another planet?  Not today, friends. Today it’s penises growing in a lab somewhere.

Now you and I both know this is no different than a lab growing a new ear or an arm for someone who has lost those body parts, yet at the same time it so is.  First, and not even childish, is the fact the penis is a multi-functional body part in a way literally no other part is.  Your ear doesn’t need to be connected to any internal plumbing to allow for the removal of waste or the transmission of genetic materials.  Your arm does undergo a process whereby blood fills spongey tissue inside it making it tumescent and firm.  No, then penis really is a unique body part, so creating one in a lab is a bit of a unique step in biological science.

As an aside, and in a purely unscientific manner, a lab full of dishes growing penises like little mushrooms is right off the charts for being a mix of hysterically funny and uncomfortably terrifying.  It will either look like the set of hard R rated Saw sequel, or just a porno.  Either way, dicks everywhere.

So how does one grow a penis these days? Well, trials with rabbits have been successful and probably will not give you nightmares if you don’t question how and why anyone got a lab full of rabbits in need of new penises.  That said, the process involves washing a donor penis in detergent to remove donor cells until only a “collagen scaffold” of the penis is left.  So this part is more like the Saw movies again.  Also, they really gloss over the word “donor” in the original story with no background.  Anyway, the scaffold is then seeded with the patient’s cells and in a few weeks you got yourself a new willy.

The goal of the treatment is for a fully functional new body part, if you follow, and the research is being conducted to benefit those with congenital abnormalities as well as people who have suffered injuries, particularly soldiers.  You can’t look down on a program meant to restore penises to men who may have lost them in war.

Human trials haven’t actually started yet, it’s up to the researchers to demonstrate it’s a viable science to try out on humans by demonstrating their success with rabbits.  Once they have the go ahead to do so and the science is perfected, you have to wonder how long until the process is co-opted by cosmetic surgeons.  After all, if you can grow a new, real, fully functional penis, is there a limit to the size you can make it?  And, just as with women and breast implants, can we assume most guys would get either a “normal” or slightly large size, and at least one guy will go for the biggest in the world just to be famous on the internet?  Time will tell.