School Won’t Let Kids Do Handstands Or Cartwheels Because It’s “Too Dangerous”

No one in their right mind wants to see a child get hurt but part of growing up right requires scraping your knee on the pavement, falling off the monkey bars or learning that light sockets really don’t like it when you put pennies in them. A school in England has taken child safety to an insane new level by forbidding kids from doing handstands or cartwheels during playtime.

Old Priory Primary Academy in Devon, England issued an edict that forbids students’ butts from defying the laws of gravity by being aligned over the heads during school hours. Specially, they banned the use of “gymnastic movements” on the school playground, according to the Plymouth Herald.

Emma Hermon-Wright, the school’s headmaster and destroyer of fun, said the school enacted the ban because of “a number of minor incidents” that took place during the children’s break time. Well, if you’re that concerned about keeping the kid’s safe, why stop there? Why let them go outside at all? Hell, why would you let them breathe with all the pollution in the air and the opening of the ozone layer? Technically, living itself is the number one causing of dying. I’m just saying.

When did we get so crazy about keeping everyone safe from everything at all times? Earlier today, I actually wrote a story about a town in Virginia that levies fines against people who use curse words that leads to physical violence. Let’s just make a global law that bans anything that’s fun of any kind so we’ll all be safe and happy forever and ever and ever, amen.