4 Real Life Clowns to Scare the Hell Out of You

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Mar. 12, 2014

It’s a generally accepted aspect of the modern world that no one likes clowns. It’s a cliché, in fact.  You can blame this in some degree on Stephen King and his book IT, but it dates back further.  I’d argue it has something to do with the transient nature of circuses, the fact they direct their attention particularly at children and the fact they’re always in disguise.  If clowns had never been invented and someone came up with the idea today, they’d be in prison by the end of the week.  Also John Wayne Gacy didn’t help their PR.

Anyway, turns out there’s good reason to be leery of clowns, even beyond the fictional evil ones and the non-fictional serial killer ones.  Check out these real life,  completely unwholesome clowns.

The Evil Birthday Clown

 

 

Dominic DeVille was an industrious fellow who came up with a brilliant idea.  Why send someone a clown for their birthday when, for a week in advance of that date, you can instead send them terrifying messages that an evil clown is coming.  Then show up dressed as an evil clown and mash a cake into their face?  Now that’s funny.

The North American media misreported this story horribly – DeVille never did this to kids as most media outlets reported, you had to be 18 or over, and he only did it for a very short period of time as well, but it got spun out of control a bit and became a crazy story about a guy hired by mentally deficient parents.  And admittedly if he was literally stalking 7 year olds, but because their parents hired him, that would be both offputting and hilarious, it just wasn’t true.  Still, that he would do it to anyone at all is kind of awesome, and it seems like a business we need more of.

 

The Clown Escort

 

 

If Pennywise struck fear into your heart as a child, Sugar Weasel should do so as an adult.  Sugar Weasel’s website proclaims he’s available for parties and he’s done numerous rock n roll events, but the fact he’s listed as an escort is really what we need to focus on here.  Is it a joke?  It could be, it doesn’t matter.  It’s that he has the wherewithal to terrify the rest of us with even the idea that it’s true that’s disturbing.  That there’s a possibility that somewhere out there is a lady who paid a clown for sex, or a clown who’s willing to whip out his doink for some money, that’s awful.  That’s not what our society needs, not at all.

 

Ouchy the Clown

 

 

Squeaking along at Sugar Weasel’ heels is Ouchy, the dom/therapist clown.  While we may never know for sure if anyone seriously hired a clown man whore, there’s some evidence to suggest people have hired Ouchy as a marriage counselor and/or to beat them with riding crops. 

According to Ouchy’s terribly old website, he offers domination services (such as bondage and hot wax), DJ services (why not?) and facilitation services.  Like meeting facilitation.  Only as a clown.  Who may be wearing a thong.

 

Assassin Clown

 

 

The idea of a murderous clown is scary, yes.  An actual murderous clown is therefore the realization of that fear and is likely even more terrifying than the nightmare ever was. In October 2013 in Los Cabos Mexico a clown walked into a family gathering for a notorious drug trafficking family, pulled a gun, and shot the oldest brother right in the head.  Soak that scene in for a minute – a big drug cartel party at which a clown murdered someone.

The killer clown got away and it wasn’t clear why he killed that particular family member, who wasn’t a leader of the cartel (mostly because he’d been in prison for the year the cartel rose to power and then fell again as its other leaders were killed) but know this – there is a killer Mexican clown out there somewhere.