Satan’s Moving to Oklahoma Plus 5 Friends We Hope He Brings

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Jan. 07, 2014

Oh, Oklahoma.  In 2009, state legislators in Oklahoma approved a privately funded statue of the Ten Commandments, something they foolishly thought would barely be an issue at all and maybe, on some level, thought would stick it to those dirty atheists.  Good plan.  Fast forward to 2014 and now the devil wants his due.

 

 

The problem with allowing one person to privately fund a religious themed statue on state property is you have no grounds to deny another privately funded religious statue.  That’s why the Church of Satan has plans for a statue of the goat-demon Baphoment that they’d like to see in Oklahoma’s state capital.  He’d be seated in a chair and you could sit in his lap, so it’s even more functional than the Ten Commandments are, plus it’s a goat-headed denizen of the underworld, and you almost never see that at government buildings unless you catch congressmen in their offices early in the morning.

The ACLU protested the original Ten Commandments statue to no avail, which opens the door for not just the Church of Satan but also Hindus, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and PETA, who have all also requested space for their own monuments near the Capitol.

 

 

How do a flying spaghetti beast, the Dark Lord of the Underworld and Vishnu all end up at the same party?  They got invited by the First Amendment, which the Oklahoma State Capitol sat on and squished like a pie by allowing the Christian monument on state grounds, giving them little justification if any for allowing one statue but denying any others.

Currently, while a lawsuit from the ACLU is pending on the fate of the statue, the state has decided to place a moratorium on requests for new monuments and will hold off on considering any current requests, but most state lawmakers questioned made it clear they won’t support or allow anything from the Church of Satan, despite the devilish representative assuring media that it was, in fact, local Satanists who have requested and funded the endeavor this far already.  Yes Virginia, there are Satanists in the Bible Belt.

For what it’s worth, the Church of Satan uses Satan as a metaphorical figure, one who represents rebellion against tyranny, and the basic tenets of the Church are actually very positive and deal with self actualization and empowerment.  Which isn’t to say some people out there probably listen to death metal and kill squirrels as sacrifices, it’s just that maybe they’re doing it wrong.

But supposing, just for a second, the moratorium gets lifted and more groups are allowed to put in requests for their monuments, we have a few ideas for some that Oklahoma may enjoy more than having a big, ol’ Satan on the porch.

Scientology

 

 

Does Oklahoma need a 30 foot statue of Tom Cruise?  Yes. Yes it does.  So do most states, let’s be honest.

Raelians

 

 

Rael used to be a French race car driver until he discovered aliens.  Now he believes life on Earth is the result of an alien experiment.  Their belief system includes a pretty heavy emphasis on sex, which most religions really miss out on.  A nice statue of a dude humping ET would dress up Oklahoma like a boss.

The Lakers

 

 

A nice, big statue of Wilt Chamberlain, Shaq, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Kobe Bryant would probably inspire the Oklahoma City Thunder to try harder.

Judaism

 

 

A statue of Larry David, with hair, in Heaven, with his angelic guides (Sascha Baron-Cohen and Dustin Hoffman), would really tie the Capitol together.

Islam

 

 

This is a tough one.  Do you make a statue of the prophet Muhammad?  That’ll backfire.  A statue of Barack Obama?  That’s kind of funny but everyone won’t get it.  Muhammad Ali?  People will think it’s about boxing.  Go with Dave Chappelle and hope for the best.

256 comments
Carson Griffin
Carson Griffin

haha nice response.... real mature. thought out. let me know when you're ready to stop being a condescending "graduate"

Andrew Pedersen
Andrew Pedersen

some of you people should probably study what the Church of Satan actually represents before you start bagging on them! oh I forgot everyone so caught up in their own ideology that they fail to realize everyones entitled to their own beliefs! I for one am glad they're putting a statue up

John Braun
John Braun

that one moment when you realized it said satan and not santa..that would be an awesome cult..gift giving all year round. new found religion: Santa-ism.

Ryan Winkle
Ryan Winkle

"Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of a religion, or prohibiting the exercise thereof."

Jd Blosser
Jd Blosser

Congrats Tony you completely missed the point and I can't be bothered to try to dumb it down for you.

Scott Weber
Scott Weber

Yes. Our government and laws have made it their right. Just like the bastard KKK idiots that are allowed to march in the streets & adopt sections of the hwy

Ryan Winkle
Ryan Winkle

"Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of a religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof" What's so hard about that? Leave your religious beliefs at home!

Ryan Winkle
Ryan Winkle

See what happens when you pass theocratic laws to side step the constitution. Of course they have every right to display their imaginary friend just like the Christians did. In fact the Oklahoma City hall lawn could be covered with all types of nonsensical symbols. Just follow the constitution and this crap doesn't happen. Good for the satanist for calling out city officials on their pathetic attempt to circumvent the first amendment.

Sonia Dolkapots
Sonia Dolkapots

I wouldn't want to live near a place that worships a character that represent everything I loathe about this world. You can have your religious freedom, if you can call that a religion, but I would move to another town if I had to look at this statue everyday. Way too spooky, I wouldn't sleep at night! lol

Ryan Excessive Burkhardt
Ryan Excessive Burkhardt

Definitely on board with banning ALL public displays. Another 20 years and we'll have a secular majority again. Can't wait.

Belcebú Adrián
Belcebú Adrián

Brian Gangi do you know how many wars the God Church has started? Now tell me how many wars the Satan Church has started. You talk about goodnes and evil and I really don't think something is good just because it has a cross in it.

Belcebú Adrián
Belcebú Adrián

Tony Abrams Satan is a christian angel, yeah, but it means something else for satanists. You might like to read Anton Lavey's bible and find out why Satan is a symbol for us.

Brian Gangi
Brian Gangi

This is total BS. I really hope someone steps up and stops this. Satan has no place in our society and should not be displayed next to symbols of good. I understand it's now the in thing to attack us Christians but this is going to far.

Leah Felice Unger
Leah Felice Unger

He doesn't enjoy it at all. We don't know why bad things happen, but it started when we were tossed out of Eden.

Leah Felice Unger
Leah Felice Unger

^ These casualties were a result of governments and men who twist the bible to fit their own ideology. It's NOT what God intended.

Mike Foxx
Mike Foxx

Fair is fair. You can't pick and choose. (p.s. I thought it said "Santa" too, Andrew.

Rick Averyt
Rick Averyt

It is their right...if we agree or not...and honestly if anyone is afraid or offended by a statue..get over it...its a piece of artwork at the most...Not an ALTAR FOR ANYONE TO PRAY AT

Nallel Zuniga
Nallel Zuniga

-.-' I agree with the first comment if you allow one religion, then you must allow all religions.

William Hays
William Hays

It's not the Church of Satan, it's the Satanic Temple. Huge difference.

Casey Davis
Casey Davis

Hey Tony, educate yourself and learn some grammar and punctuation hahaha

Roger Moreno
Roger Moreno

Freedom of religion means ALL religions, whether you like it or not! That's the great thing about this country.

Isaac Hadžović
Isaac Hadžović

Obviously James I'm not saying that the statue is their god. They erect them in their "image" though. Not so much in Islam. Also I'm not religious as you can tell but my family and the ethnic group I'm from are Muslim.

Melissa Rai
Melissa Rai

Say what u like abiut the bible but real Christian's dont pray to evil... they atleast try to be good, but kids sitting under an ugly devil thing is plain wrong

Dustin Womack
Dustin Womack

If they pay to maintain it I don't care what any religion does

Nein Eins
Nein Eins

It ain't CoS, similar, but not the same.

Leighann Adams
Leighann Adams

Christians since the beginning have called pagans/wiccans/witches devil worshippers. Therefore were the burning times and the trials and today's treatments.

Tony Abrams
Tony Abrams

hey moron,satan is a christian angel.do some reading.hes not in any other religion.

Leighann Adams
Leighann Adams

You go to a baptist church they still use the commandments. And in the south you will find ALOT of them

Tony Abrams
Tony Abrams

hey dumb ass,the 10 commandments are from the old testament,the jewish bible? what has the jezz got to do with that?

Leighann Adams
Leighann Adams

It is absolutely their right. It is all religions rights to put a monument, just like any Christian or catholic, of their religious symbols. Whether they are satanist,Buddhist,pagan/wiccans. This world is not run by Christians. You can not put your crosses and mangers and commandment statues everywhere or Jesus's on crosses and get pissed when another religion does the same with their religion. Christians since their beginning have done nothing but force others into their beliefs or KILL them or condemn them twisting others religions with stereotypical labeled lies.fyi. Thou shalt not kill. Fancy following that commandment through the years. Another thing in the bible: thou shall not judge lest ye be judged. Also: ye who cast the first stone. I am pagan and I and all pagans have suffered through centuries of Christians ignorance and twisted lies about us. We do NOT worship let alone believe in the devil and it is against our rede to harm. Some satanist don't even worship in the devil. As for the upside down pentacle. It is originally a pagan symbol that means self. The horned deity is pagan as well. Pan is an example of a horned god. Satanist actually began not long after Christianity due to the fact that people's prayers weren't being answered therefore people decided to try and see if the devil would listen. Christians have taken and use most other religions,mostly pagan,things anyways for their own such as holidays and symbols. Freedom of religion means EVERY religion.

Toni Anderson
Toni Anderson

Right or wrong isnt the issue and yes I believe it is legal.I also believe that they have freedom of speech act behind them.Would I want it next to our commandments...No fricking way!

James Curse
James Curse

Well would you look at that, the same sort of hypocrites that preach Christianity exist in other religions too. I guess this means I should despise all Satanists because one group of them ruins it for the rest. Just as all Muslims are evil because a small group of Extremists. Oh, the tables turn and it's just not evil Christians.

James Curse
James Curse

Christianity and Islam both don't worship a block of marble. The latter is also very offensive in Islam.

James Curse
James Curse

I'm thinking they have a very mild display. A book of morals followed internationality. You can pretty much see any other religion that wasn't created in the last 20 years against this. You allow a demon then you also open the door for a statute of a brutal disfigured man on a flying T. I rather see neither and just some book of laws.