$20 Bottles of Water: Why People Hate Los Angeles

PhilHaney by PhilHaney on Aug. 23, 2013

Los Angeles is one of those towns that people either love or hate. Many love it because it has a vast amount of things to experience and it’s near the ocean. While many have lamented that the rumbling of the San Andreas Fault is merely the gates of hell trying to open in an attempt to swallow LA’s Organic Juice Cleanse Bars and “Pampered Pooch Hotels.” And we’d like to say we love the town, but it’s hard when things like this exist.

Ray’s and Stark Bar located inside the Los Angeles County Museum of Art has created a 23 page water menu, complete with a “Water Sommelier” on staff.  (A Sommelier is fancy talk for a wine expert who helps you pair the “correct” wine selection with your meal.) Martin Riese is America’s first and only Water Sommelier and drinks water professionally, even writing a book about the subject.  This is it, this is the true sign that we as a society have…  holy crap I just used the words “Water Sommelier” in a sentence.

OK, OK, who knows? Maybe some waters DO taste better than other H20 in a bottle. But what kind of idiots would willfully pay $20 for a bottle of water to find out!? Idiots with a company credit card! To be fair and sort of balanced, The Break.com Staff headed over to LACMA’s Stark Bar to see if a $20 bottle of water really does taste better… than a $8 bottle of water.. or the FREE water that you can get in YOUR OWN GOD DAMN HOUSE. Watch our taste test here and read below for in depth water analysis.

We sat down at the hip outdoor bar that is around the corner from an art instillation of a giant boulder hovering above a walkway. We were quickly presented with a glorious, leather-bound menu. The menu breaks down the waters by four features; Smooth, Salty, Sweet and Complex… whatever the hell that means.  “Do you have the one available that’s full salty, full complexity?” –“You mean the Vitchy Catalan?” the waitress replied. “YES!” Promote her to Head Sommelier! She really knows her waters!  We selected five bottles based on how ridiculous their descriptions sounded with crap like:  

 “This water of volcanic origin begins its life in the south of Italy. It takes ten years for the water to pass slowly through the underground rock and uncontaminated depths of this source. As it does, Ferrarelle water encounters the natural gas of an ancient and now extinct volcano gaining its effervescence…”

Our only conclusion from that description is that this is why “red states” hate LA.  Yet we took a breath and plunged over the glacial mountain of pure, aqua snobbery.

Click here to read our review of five masterworks of two hydrogen and one oxygen.

Our fine bottles were even presented in an ice bucket like it was Dom Pérignon! Happy New Year!

46 comments
johnstag87
johnstag87 User

Meh. Penn and Teller did it better... filling up fancy bottles from a rubber garden hose then watching the hipsters talk about how crisp and refreshing it was.



Mike-Bowman-111
Mike-Bowman-111 User

I live in Saratoga Springs and that water is everywhere....and guess what, it taste like shit! I mean if you like carbonated water...which is NOT water because water doesn't come carbonated naturally...so might as well be shitty club soda. I threw it away after one sip because I thought it was non carbonated water. Yeah...it's like that! 

ppcock
ppcock

The spain taste was priceless, I watched it 9 times!

yomacau
yomacau User

What pisses me off is when that's the only water available and you have to pay for it no matter what :( RIP OFF ! ! 

Gary Avolio
Gary Avolio

Who is stupid enough to buy a bottle?

Kevin-Harkin-911
Kevin-Harkin-911 User

why would you buy water when you can get the same water from your household tap???

Keana McGee
Keana McGee

Yes! Share this with everyone so people stay out of my city and off the 405.

OCNEONJ
OCNEONJ User

water should come in glass bottles, we have beer in them, why not have water in them, $20 is a bit much though, but most waters now are $1.50 which is crazy for water in a PLASTIC bottle

Dan Enriquez
Dan Enriquez

Water is free. We are trying to charged the tourist.

KCjoker
KCjoker User

The same idiots who buy this bitch about gas prices I bet. 

WonderDude187
WonderDude187 User

There actually is a difference in taste though between Arrowhead, Crystal Geyser, Fiji and Smart waters...Arrowhead tastes like crap

Jon Leonard
Jon Leonard

Every place can look like shit if you go looking for it.

Bullistic
Bullistic User

Free water in your own house? How do I get on that? I seem to keep getting a water bill...

noclss2000
noclss2000 User

please let that place just fall off into the ocean already.

doggin6
doggin6 User

moral of the story.  Canadians laugh their asses off while americans pay $20 for melted icebergs. 

Joe-Keller-187
Joe-Keller-187 User

Sweet baby jesus.  I get pissed off seeing a 20 oz bottle of water costing more than a 20 oz cocacola sitting right next to it.  WTF are people thinking?

sk8ace2
sk8ace2 User

I laughed a bit. Good review. They really have a  bunch of salt in that one? What were they thinking...

theomis
theomis

anyway to sucker people out of money

Spl1nter
Spl1nter

Marketing at its finest.

poeticunter
poeticunter User

Tastes like water for sure, but on the back end a strong water taste, followed by twirling diarrhea storms for three days caused by prehistoric bacteria trapped in the "Berg" it came from.

dnaltam
dnaltam User

... I've always had disdain for california... thank you for giving me yet another reason!

primordial
primordial User

In case you're wondering why I post first a lot of the time, it's because I really do have superior reflexes and response time. It's just something I'm good at. My advice is to practice your reflexes and observational skills.

blindsight
blindsight User

@Mike-Bowman-111 - Actually, there are many places on this planet that *naturally* produces carbonated water.   There's a ton of them in Colorado, which was the first time I had ever heard of naturally occurring sparkling mineral water.  Cheyenne, CO has plenty of carbonated springs, and although I agree with you that it tastes like shit, it's amazing at how much people from other countries seem to love the stuff. 

johnstag87
johnstag87 User

@ppcock I'm from Spain. People only drink Vichy Catalan here in Spain when they have indigestion or stomach problems. It has about two spoons of sodium bicarbonate in every glass.



johnstag87
johnstag87 User

@yomacau You eat in restaurants where they don't even have taps (faucets) with running water?


VagrantToad
VagrantToad User

@OCNEONJ Soution #2.  Buy a bottle of your choice and fill it with water from home or a drinking fountain and you don't have to pay $1.50.  Most bottled waters are filled from city tap sources anyway.  

PhilHaney
PhilHaney moderator User

@sk8ace2  Yeah! It tasted like when you swim in the ocean and get some in your mouth.

LostKeys
LostKeys User

I remember my first cup of water. 

LostKeys
LostKeys User

@Mark-Potts @The-Langolier Do notice the for once. Hey may be making a positive on this comment, but this also implies the rest of Break's efforts were utter failures. 

Also, I will donate $20 to Break right now if you post a video of you or someone in your office kicking your IT guy straight in the nuts, but this has to happen in the bottom 1/3 of the video so we can all still watch it in fullscreen. 

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