There’s an Out-of-Control Russian Lizard Space Orgy Going On Right Now

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Jul. 25, 2014

Every so often you hear about a story so wonderful you can’t not share it.  This is one of those stories. It has everything – a runaway Russian satellite full of lizards having sex and…well, that’s it.  That’s all it needs.  Russia, which of course has always been ever so close to America in its space program and is a huge partner in international space faring endeavors, recently launched a satellite into the great beyond for a very specific purpose – to monitor how geckos get freaky in zero gravity.

You and I can only wonder at the majesty of zero gravity gecko humping but not so for Russians, they make this stuff happen for real.  It’s a progressive nation, if you ignore all the awful stuff they have a habit of doing lately.  Unfortunately, after a couple of days of Barry White and lizardly humpitations, something went wrong.  The satellite stopped responding to commands from earth and now it’s simply flying about on its own.  It is still sending data back to earth, only now it’s less like a scientific research project and more like an obscene phone call from beyond, relating the details of lizard sex over and over again while no one on earth can stop it.

While Russian scientists are being left to try to reestablish some kind of connection, if it’s even possible, the lizards are in the midst of their 60 day mission to seek out new tang, and new positions, to boldly hump where no gecko has humped before!

For those of us on Earth, the Foton-M4 has been up there since July 19th.  The crew consists of 5 geckos which you’ll notice is an odd number, as well as a few plants and insects. How is the odd man or woman out handling the stress of this zero gravity madness?  Or is it 4 lady geckos and just one male?  Surely, being Russian, it can’t be a majority of males lest they produce gay geckos, that has to be the last thing they want.  Perhaps only time will tell.

Ha ha, it's a space monkey (picture not relevant to article)

If you recall your history, Russia has always been a world leading in launching animals into space and also a world leader in killing those animals because no one cares what happens to them after they get into space.  The first animal in space was actually a stray dog from Moscow named Laika who was launched in rocket that the government not only had no intention of retrieving but that was never designed to be retrieved, so basically they just killed the hell out of that dog to see at what point in its journey it would die so they’d know for when they sent humans up.

For what it’s worth, Laika died by overheating and then, after the rest of the world was kind of disgusted, Russia agreed to only launch dogs in retrievable capsules from then on.  Of course they still blew up two other dogs, but those ones were on purpose so that foreigners wouldn’t get their technology.  Or their dogs.

For now, when night falls, look to the stars. Look for a steadily moving blip that gives you a certain feeling, a feeling that, yes, that little light is full of sexing Russian lizards.