The Anatomy of the Worst Club Promo Vid Ever

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Jul. 14, 2014

Say, do you own a club?  Do you want to scare away normal folks by making a promo video that terrifies anyone with class, taste or common sense?  Maybe you need to take some advice from the Rumes Bar crew in Preston, in the UK.  In an effort to bring in a new crew of hip ravers to their Bounce by the Ounce event, they made themselves a little video and put it on Youtube.  But is it just that easy?  This is a pretty special video.  You can’t just film your own club and hope for the same results.

In an effort to help you rise to the level of Bounce by the Ounce, we made this step by step and time-stamped guide to their video, so you know what to do and when in your video to ensure maximum effect.  After all, over a million people have watched this video on Youtube so clearly it’s awesome, right?

0:05 – Start your video with a rejected cast member from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, or some similarly terrifying British gangster type standing amidst a crew of other nameless felons. Are they bartenders?  Thugs?  Date rapists?  Hard to tell.

0:12 – Pick the worst goddamn song you have ever heard.

0:18 – You need a man who wore his clothes into the sauna and/or ran to the club from across town in the middle of the summer.

0:28 – keep showing the empty club, which you have of course modelled after the Starship Enterprise, as you remember it from a single, drunken viewing of the show.

0:36 – Give a man a dildo to dance with.

0:40 – Jim Norton in da club!

0:43 – Your mom in da club!

0:50 – Every bar needs skanks, but a time travelling skank from 1989 is extremely appealing.

0:55 – 0:58 – Men? Women?  Maybe!

1:00-1:25 – asshole montage!

1:29 – You can never go wrong with a hilarious clown wig!  Look at it!  Ha ha ha!  Clown!  Ha ha!

1:35 – Hire a dick with a whistle.

1:41 – WARNING! THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR VIDEO! CROSS BREED AN OSTRICH WITH THE CREEPY WIZARD FROM GAME OF THRONES!

1:58 – Go over with ladies ahead of time that they will not be shown on camera unless they make the poop face (that face you make whilst pooping).

2:02 – Did you take a cab to the club?  Make sure you’re nice to the cabbie and show him on camera here.

2:05 – Poop face continues.

2:35 – The ratio of bald men to hairy men should be 1:1

2:48 – Women must demonstrate whether they’ve had a C-section.

3:00 – Only one guy in the club is allowed to give the finger.  He can do this because he saw that C-section scar.

3:07 – Your bald grandfather always gets a spot.  That’s just courtesy.

3:18 – Keep poop face going.

4:00 – wrap it up.  You can’t let people dabble in Heaven for more than 4 minutes.