What Goes On At A Nudist Camp?

Ever had it in your head that it would be hilarious and/or superfly sexy to go to a nudist camp and spend a day?  Same here, but then the idea to write about it and share it with others popped up.  So what are you in for if you do such a thing?  Aside from bits and bobs hanging out, what’s the deal with being naked all day in an allegedly non-sexual way?  Let’s find out!

No Sex!

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Most if not all naturist camps and retreats are actually meant to be family getaways.  They contend, fiercely in fact, that the naked body has been sexualized by society but in and of itself it is just our natural state and that sexuality exists in the mind.  Isn’t that sweet? 

This viewpoint is awesomely naïve and intentionally misleading, of course.  To suggest the human body is not sexual in and of itself is to deny the basic laws of attraction.  Can you be attracted to a person’s mind?  Of course.  The attraction to a mind can be stronger than a physical attraction but it doesn’t deny that physical attraction exists.  T and A have not been sexualized by our culture, they’ve just been over sexualized.  Breasts, lips, and our junk are hot to us because they’re part of sex, we use them during sex and so they are sexy to us.  Don’t pretend they’re not, nudists!

On the other hand, a decent human being can and even should be able to control themselves in any situation.  If you’re confronted by nudity, that’s never an invite to act inappropriately and it’s not an excuse for you to cross any boundary without permission.  People who do that are typically victim blamers which makes them jack asses who say things like “I couldn’t help myself, look how she was dressed.”  If you’re both naked, you’re dressed the same and everything should be kosher, right?

Boners are Kosher!

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According to most FAQs on nudist camp and getaway sites, asking about boners is a common question.  After looking at the various photos available the question never occurred to me at all because, and I’m not trying to be judgmental here, but the kind of people I find attractive do not seem to want to be naked whilst camping.  Nonetheless, it’s a concern some people have but don’t fear!  Naturists understand that boners are natural, so that means leave your Viagra at home.  And if you do have one, don’t flaunt it.  That was written, word for word, on a website about this stuff.  Don’t flaunt it.  So that means don’t hang your keys on it, use it to give directions, or deep it in beet juice and draw red mustaches on people while they sun bathe.  Maybe try covering it with a towel.

No one Hates Your Menses!

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Ladies, don’t think we forgot about you.  While men have boner shame, surely some women have period shame, what with being out and nude and all.  You’re welcome to use a tampon any time you like before going out and playing volleyball or bingo or whatever, but if you feel the need to use a pad, make sure your undies are not provocative.  You wouldn’t want to entice people with your period panties.  Also, just so you know, don’t go swimming if you’re using a pad.  Because you will gain 10lbs worth of water and maybe drown.  Once again, not making this up, these are just basic rules.  Minus that 10lbs of water bit, that’s just an assumption.

Don’t Forget a Towel

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You can’t not hear about this and think gross thoughts, while at the same time it’s good they bring it up and tell you what to do – bring a towel.  That’s your sitting towel.  And it’s a great idea once you pause for even a second to wonder why you need a towel, but it also means you’re going to be deathly afraid of strange towels from then on.  What’s on that towel?  Who sat on that towel last?  Does this towel smell funny?  Because, and this is just human nature, if you’re at a nudist camp with a large enough group of people, there’s probably at least one guy who doesn’t put in the required effort when wiping.

Fun Times!

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Nudists apparently really enjoy swimming, playing cards and regularly scheduled dance nights.  There’s not much else to say about that.  Most sites assure you that nudists are entirely, awesomely friendly and will make you feel at ease all the time.  A quick scan of journalistic articles on the topic confirms that yes, naked people will sidle up to you as soon as you arrive and just start chatting like an old person in line at the supermarket.  Yay!


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We still haven’t decided if we should send an editor to attend a nudist colony for the purposes of writing an article.  Would it be uncomfortable?  Extremely.  Should any of us be nude in public?  Probably not.  Would it make a killer comedy article?  Definitely.  But we all suck at volleyball and really don’t like to swim all that much.  So time will tell.