10 Bizarre Star Wars: The Force Awakens Branded Products

The Force Awakens has broken records for sales before it even premiered, proving that a Star Wars trilogy can bite us on the ass once an we’ll still give the next one a chance to prove its greatness.  So confident is the franchise, in fact, it’s managed to partner up with just about every company under the sun to sell something to someone, and not just the usual suspects like Lego or Subway or General Mills cereal (all of whom also have Force Awakens merch for you to buy) but weird ass ones that you’ll need the wisdom of Yoda to puzzle out.

Fruit

Let’s just start in a galaxy far, far away – an orchard.  Or a vineyard.  Or the produce aisle on Tattooine, where you can buy numerous kinds of Star Wars fruit. 

Those are apples oranges and grapes, all officially licensed merchandise, all desperately close to making the same jokes Spaceballs made about the original franchise.

Covergirl

What screams Star Wars more than Covergirl and mascara?  Probably literally everything.  We’re sure there’s a strong population of lady geeks out there, we see them at every con dressed as the Electric Boob and other characters, but were any of them clamoring for geek-branded mascara?  Despite this, Covergirl went ahead and gave you six kinds, three for the light side and three for the dark side, also known as three light shades and three dark shades.  Hopefully part 8 will involve the release of some Hutt shades.

Fiat

I’m no marketing expert, but I am fairly certain that literally no one is sitting at home waiting for Fiat to show them a Wookiee behind the wheel of one of their cars before they go and make a purchase of said automobile.  Generally speaking an ad campaign is successful not just if people were aware of it, but if it actually caused at least a sale.  Now who knows how many people were aware Fiat was trying to see cars based on a tenuous link to Star Wars, but for real, how many sales could this possibly generate against how much money they spent on the whole campaign to begin with?

Irregular Choice

Irregular Choice is one of your lesser known to North American audiences Star wars partners.  It’s a UK shoe store that sells kind of quirky shoes.  Irregular, if you will.  See where this is going?  Well, we have pictures.

I don’t want to say the shoes are completely ridiculous, but, well, I am saying it.  Look at ‘em.

Bloomingdales

This is probably not your top shop for Star Wars merch, however Bloomingdales teamed up with Disney to create a charity event this year called Force 4 Fashion.  Look how they use the number 4.  Very edgy.  Anyway, they had professional designers create one of a kind dresses and such inspired by Star Wars characters, and then auctioned them off throughout the month of December.  Most are still under $1000 if you want to bid.

Duracell

The worst thing about trying to brand a battery is that you can’t.  It’s a battery. Its function is to be hidden inside another, better product thus making it function.  So when Star Wars teams up with Duracell, what can they do?  Yeah, just slap a couple of droids on the packaging that you’re going to be throwing away anyway and maybe subtly imply R2D2 runs on Duracell.

American Tourister

American Tourister is a company that makes luggage, so you know this is going downhill fast.  The luggage in question today is a hard case Kylo Ren complete with lightsaber handle and 4 tiny wheels.  No doubt people have purchased this and will use it when they go on vacation.  Look for them.

Kmart

This is so actuallya thing and you can buy it.  The Force Awakens Trainer Kickboxer has sounds from the movie plus a pair of gloves.  There are three training levels you can follow along with or just freestyle beat the crap out of this thing.  Either way, a career in MMA must be in your future.

Devon

Here, look at this

That’s a $28,500 star wars watch.  What time is it?  Time to let someone else control your money.

Campbell Soup

What lends itself better to intergalactic space dog fights and bars full of crazy alien races than a warm bowl of cream of mushroom soup?  Campbell’s says nothing.  Nothing!  So enjoy these randomly Star Wars branded cans of soup because parents need to have their kid yell “I want that!” in every single aisle of every single store.