It was December, 2012. The world was bracing for the Mayan Apocalypse. Washington State legalized personal use marijuana. The Pope joined Twitter. And all of us, all around the globe, fell in love with a little stylish monkey that hung out at Ikea.
Darwin the Monkey, a Japanese macaque, was previously owned by Toronto lawyer/crazy person Yasmin Nakhuda, an avid monkey enthusiast and one of those ladies who buys expensive clothes for monkeys and calls herself the monkey’s mom. You never want to deal with these people. Darwin may have lived a full and eerie life as a hairy man-child in a dollhouse with tiny hoodies and Ugg boots had it not been for that fateful trip to Ikea one day, potentially to pick up some meatballs and a small armoire for all of Darwin’s things.
While his human mother was busy shopping, a car-bound Darwin became antsy and decided that hanging out in a snowy Canadian parking lot was not for him. In fact, if you look at the photos of the monkey’s face I think you’ll agree, he thought that was bullshit. So he went on the lam.
Unlocking himself from his captivity, because any monkey as smooth as this one knows how to get out of a cage and a locked car, Darwin and his shearling coat made their way across the parking lot to the Ikea store to the delight of onlookers. Typically Canadians only have moose and Bieber crossings, never monkeys. This was a treat for the whole country, almost on the same scale as a mayor who cannot stop smoking crack.
All good things must come to an end and, after checking out the scene for a bit and doing the social media circuit, Darwin was confiscated from his Man Mom. Why? Because you can’t own a monkey, for God’s sake. Any idiot knows that. Darwin was sent to an animal sanctuary where people gave him proper monkey food and stimulation and likely let him choose his own wardrobe. Man Mom tried to get him back but in September of this year, a judge ruled that Nakhuda no longer has a claim on Darwin since, as a wild animal and not a pet, the moment he left her car he also left her possession and she no longer had a right to him. Darwin had jacked her up with the law.
At the sanctuary, Darwin was slow to adapt to other monkeys, likely because none of them were bringing him Starbucks or making him watch Real Housewives. But over time he grew to relate to them and become a real monkey himself.
Nakhuda is appealing the decision to keep the monkey in the sanctuary, because she is potentially insane and also callously indifferent to the well being of a wild animal that is not commonly found in the apartments of daft Toronto lawyers who want living dolls to play with. But until another judge points out that no, no one in Canada owns a monkey and neither can you, Darwin is safe amongst his monkey brethren, until Caesar makes them rise up and destroy us all. Just look at him, ready to wipe us all from the Earth.