Germany Is Being Attacked By Radioactive Chernobyl Boars

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Sep. 02, 2014

The Black Forest is quiet this day.  Too quiet.  Little Gunther frolics amidst the daisies and elm trees.  The sun hangs heavy in the sky, the temperature rises but is still tolerable.  It seems like such a nice day.  That’s how it seems.

Gunther pulls a tasty piece of strudel from his lederhosen to nibble as he plays.  And as he does so, something stirs nearby, a rustling of the underbrush.  Leaves crunch.  A shrub shudders, branches bend.  Little Gunther looks up from his strudel.  “Vas is diss?” he wonders silently.  But he never vocalizes this innocent and innocuous question for, in a flash of blinding violence, the Radioactive Chernobyl Boar is upon the young boy.

Probably what a Chernobyl boar looks like

Gunther grunts, spits strudel and tries to flee.  It is hopeless.  Fueled by the deadly power of Chernobyl, the boar is an unstoppable menace.  It rushes with Godzilla-esque speed and rage.  Gunther’s cries for help are muffled by spiny hairs and flab. Later, the search party will only find bloody lederhosen scraps, bespeckled with strudel and spit. 

Is this story true?  Yes and no.  No, insofar as I just made it up, but yes insofar as Germany is, in fact, overrun with radioactive Chernobyl boars.  Turns out boar like to graze near the nuclear disaster site and then traipse through the German countryside where they are good for nothing because who the hell wants to eat radioactive boar meat?  No one.

The only mutant boar we've ever heard of.

Worse than simply being radioactive is the fact the boar population in Germany is going through the roof.  Just last year, 650,000 boar were shot during hunting season, compared to 287,000 the season before that.  And the government is legally required to buy any radioactive carcasses, which cost them about a half million dollars in 2009.  Why is the German government buying the corpses of radioactive boar?  Probably to build a radioactive Frankenboar, but that’s none of your business.

Are radioactive boar even such a big deal?  Yes they are, because they’re radioactive.  I mean, come on.  That’s insane.  But also, thanks to their preposterously high numbers, the greedy pigs tend to wander through populated areas much more frequently these days and they are not afraid to attack people because what do you expect from a radioactive boar?

Did a boar kill some kid named Gunther?  Probably, we don’t know.  Maybe not.  Doesn’t matter.  Chernobyl pigs, man!