For years infomercials have been hawking their wares for products that can help you do really difficult stuff like cut a tomato in half, pour a bottle of soda or learn how to become wealthy by selling other people kits teaching them how to become wealthy. These products have always fascinated me because most of the time you have to be a complete IDIOT to need them. A pair of super “frustrated” hands illustrates what’s “wrong” with the normal way of doing things followed by the magical revelation of how easy it is to put icing on a cake with the Icing Money Shot 5000.
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It used to be that you’d have to “CALL NOW!” However these days many malls around ‘Merica feature these same products in the “As Seen On TV” store. Technically aren’t most products “As seen on TV?” Why don’t they have cans of Coke, Toyotas and Scarlet Johansson in this store?
And unless you have the mental deficiency or complete laziness demonstrated in the commercial, most of these products are useless. That’s why I went to the As Seen On TV Store to come up with alternate uses for these inventions and in doing so accidently created the world’s most accurate personality quiz! Take the quiz below and tally up your points to find out your true personality type!
Perfect Bacon Bowl
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The Perfect Bacon bowl is the perfect product for people who are sick of the convenience of merely wrapping everything they eat in bacon. Now you can encase your melted cheese, donuts and chocolate anuses in a hearty bowl of bacon, just the way you like it. However a better use for Perfect Bacon Bowl would be:
- Wear the Bacon Bowl as a Bacon Jock Strap! That way playing sports will be more exciting, adding a touch of flavor to your athletic support.
- Before the porking begins this Valentine’s Day, entice your lover with some pork by making your very own Bacon Bra. The bacon bra is a classy way of letting your lover know that you’re sexually adventurous while in a committed relationship, but you really don’t care about his cholesterol.
- The Bacon Bowl makes for a sadistic Bacon Dog Muzzle as you can strap it to his head and watch him try and turn his face inside out!
- A Bacon Doorknob Cover makes a barrier that no vegetarians can get past.
Wax Vac Ear Cleaner
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Has this ever happened to you: you stick in a Q-tip and the tip breaks off in your ear, blood starts gushing out, causing permanent hearing loss? Well than you need the Wax Vac, a little vacuum that pulls out wax from your ear! A better use for the Wax Vac would be:
1. Choking Hamster Rescuer: Are you sick of performing mouth to mouth on your pet hamster? Let the Wax Vac suck his windpipe clear!
2. The Wax Vac gently sucks wax out of your ear, but it can also gently suck the neck of your lover as a Hickey Administrator. You’ll create a small, perfectly round hickey that looks like your lover made out with a leech.
3. The Wax Vac isn’t just for wax! Are you morbidly obese and have trouble cleaning out your giant belly button? Than simply suck the lint right out of your gaping tummy hole! It makes a great Belly Button Lint Remover.
4. I got this idea from auto correct: Wax Vac, not to be confused with Wax Vag, which makes a great sex toy.
This guy is a pro at using cotton Q-tips: “Aaaah!”:
[[contentId: 2569944| alt: | class: blog-img-left| style: float:left; height:139px; width:133px]]1. Bacon Scented Pedicure Toe Separator! This little piggy isn’t to be cooked and eaten. Look at all those grooves! This will work great even for weird people with extra piggies.
2. If you look at the Bacon Wave closely it resembles a medieval stretch rack. That’s why the Bacon Wave Insect Torture Device is excellent to give to children interested in torturing insects and you can help develop their initial signs of becoming a serial killer.
3. An Ash Tray for Chain Smokers: Not as many people smoke anymore, and the ones that do make up for the rest of us: plus they probably LOVE bacon. That’s why the Bacon Wave is clearly a giant ashtray! With 14 places for bacon times 3 rows of plastic grooves, that equals 42 cigarettes! Now you can line them up and light them up!
4. Create layers of bacon with the Bacon Wave to place on your face and call it “a revolutionary skin care product. Next: start to market your own “Bacon Beauty Facemask Kit” at the “As Seen on TV” store. Women are always looking for new products that they don’t need to try and improve their looks. With the Bacon Beauty Facemask you can make money off of an ill-conceived product that will give someone lots of zits. Capitalism and thus America wins.
Men’s Body Shaper
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After eating lots of bacon you are going to need to shed a few pounds. But why would you want to go through the hassle of eating better and working out when the As Seen on TV store offers a tummy spanx for dudes? They claim it will make you look like you lost 20 pounds just from constraining your gut, but you might actually lose the weight if you wear that thing that is cutting off circulation in your small intestines. A better use for the Men’s Body Shaper would be
1. With its containing material and lack of sleeves it will make for a perfect Straight Jacket For An Armless Guy. Just get him into it and he can’t get out!
2. Men’s Origami Tummy: you can cut patterns into the Body Shaper so that they will appear embedded in your flab. It’s like when lines appear on your face when you’re sleeping. Who wants to mash a cute bear face on their stomach? Or how about a cheeseburger? Use the body shaper not to hide your tummy but to celebrate it with pride!
3. Shirt of Lies Prank: Ask a girl out on a date. When things get hot and heavy, remove your Shirt of Lies and reveal you have an enormous beer gut. When she’s shocked at how out of shape you are, tell her “This is payback for all the women who stuff their bra.” 4. Fruit Rollup Press: Stuff real fruit under the body shaper to press your own fruit rollups as you go about your day! They will taste delicious with your body sweat.Flipeez Hat
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Flipeez looks like a little animal on your head and has tassels that when you squeeze them, little arms open up, yay! So what could this be used for?
1. Boobs In Face Acquisitions Manager: It’s like mistletoe but for your face! Just ask the ladies; “Who wants to give my little friend a hug?” And boom! They are hugging your head, full cleavage in your face and it’s time for a sweet motor boat… or it might be easier to get a girl if you don’t have a stupid monster on your head.
2. Friendly Crossing Guard: Put a little Stop Sign in his hand and become an instant crossing guard in the middle of the sidewalk.
3. Totally Non Creepy Thing To Wear To a Playground Alone
4. Toilet Training Poop Puppet: You’re the poop in this scenario where you teach kids the value of “being number one friends” with their number two.
Solar Animal Repeller
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If you bought the Bacon Bowl and/ or Bacon Wave at this point you are probably going to have a lot of vermin attracted to your house. So a Solar Animal Repeller would probably come in handy right now… or would it? I mean what exactly does this thing emit that bothers the animals so much, yet is safe for children? A high pitched noise humans can’t hear? Oh well thanks goodness this will never be giving us brain damage. A better use for the Solar Animal Repeller would be:
1. Rat Mafia “Make Him Speak”: You could make a killing selling one of these to the Rat Mafia who could in turn use it to make other rats (figuratively and literally) “speak.”
2. Cat Lady Life Ruining Fun Pack: If you live next door to a cat lady, with hundreds of unkempt, shitting, disease ridden cats, than this device is perfect. Simply sneak over to the Cat Lady’s house and position several of these devices around her yard! Make sure to hide them so she can’t find them, and sit back, relax and watch as her beloved cats flee. You just ruined her life! At least now the authorities won’t have to rescue all of those poor cats from the house.
3. Running of the Pugs: Use this device to chase neighborhood dogs around and create your own “Running of The Bulls” – but with pugs. Because everything is better with pugs: except for bacon bowls filled with cheese: that’s the best.
4. Bat Deflector: If you live in fear of bats or inside a cave, this could come in handy to shield you from terrifying flying bats! Only bats rule the night and this is solar powered so.. damn it, you might have to move.
Stufz Stuffed Burger Maker
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Bonus questions because I am hungry: What is the best item to stuff in the Stufz Burger?
1. Homemade Fruit Rollups
2. Used Bacon Beauty Facemask
3. More, smaller burgers, encased in a bacon bowl; because ‘MERCA!
4. Your love handles oozing out of the body shaper – man girdle.
Add up the number of each answer you selected for your point total.
1-7 Points: Dumb and Lazy: Your answers indicate a strong desire to take shortcuts on life’s little challenges. You are as dumb and lazy as the Bacon Bowl hoped you would be.
8 -14 Points: Compulsive Hoarder/ Single: You buys things from television like a Solar Animal Repeller which only serves to repel people, not pets.
15 -21 Points: Tubby Nice Guy: You’re a pretty OK person over all, likeable, friendly, but you might want to check out that Body Shaper.
22 – 28 Points: You’re a Normal: You picked the best use of these products and demonstrated your intelligence. You’re a normal and should be doing something more productive than taking this quiz.