Nightmare Casting: If Hollywood Remade ‘Pulp Fiction’ (6 Casting Choices)

Hollywood is remaking everything and the classics aren’t safe from the studio’s cold, deadly grip. Just leave’em alone, okay! But it’s too late, there’s nothing we can do. So we thought we’d put a visual guide as to the unfortunate casting choices Hollywood could possibly make in terms of remaking, say, the classic Pulp Fiction. It’s gonna happen, people, so get ready to groan.

1. Jesse Eisenberg as Vincent Vega

Oh God, no. He’s playing Lex Luthor, why not have him play a hitman too? That’s believeable, right? *Throws head into computer monitor.

2. David Alan Grier as Jules Winnfield

Pulp Fiction was known for making some random casting choices, so why not try to rejuvinate the career of David Alan Grier as Jules Winnfield. He is in the upcoming NBC musical The Wiz afterall! *jumps off cliff.

3. Craig Robinson as Marcellus Wallace

If you need a large black guy to fill the ensemble, you call Michael Clarke Duncan…but unfortunately he’s dead. Next choice, funnyman Craig Robinson. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but dear Lord this is a bad idea. *Steps into oncoming traffic.

4. Kevin Spacey as Butch Coolidge

“Who’s bald and could play a grouch?” “Kevin Spacey, that’s who! We just love him on House of Cards.” That’d be the extent of that casting conversation. *Throws toaster into bathtub.

5. Seth Green as Lance

Listen, just because the character is a drug dealer, doesn’t mean you have to cast someone who’s into weed, just find a good actor–y’know what, nevermind. *jumps out of plane over crocodile pit.

6. Melissa McCarthy as Mia Wallace

As if the idea of a Pulp Fiction remake couldn’t get any worse.

Ehhhh, I give up.