President Trump And Joe Biden Are Currently In A Heated Dick Measuring Contest

While I like to consider myself fairly informed when it comes to current events it wasn’t always like that – remember the years of Bush and Obama where nobody really paid attention to what was going on but whined about everything anyway? Those were great. That’s the sort of government you want; a government that’s doing its job but there’s just enough going wrong that you can bitch and moan even though you’re not even registered to vote.

And regardless of your opinions of Obama, Trump, Bush, whoever…I think we can agree this is getting a little out of hand.

Live look at literally every staffer left at the White House

Yeah it was funny at first to have all these politicians and people with high ranking offices in our government get busted with ridiculous news stories and quotes (someone needs to knit “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock” into a blanket for me), but I’m personally at the point where I’m like “Guys can you SHUT UP and just run the fucking country?” It’s like having to sit through a class where that ONE kid asks five trillion questions and the professor barely gets to cover any material, except in this case the ONE kid is our government, the teacher is also the government, and the entire school is on fire and everybody is just standing around drinking milk.

Today’s case? President Trump and Joe Biden. To be fair to Trump, Biden “started it” at an anti-sexual assault rally at the University of Miami:

“A guy who ended up becoming our national leader said, ‘I can grab a woman anywhere and she likes it. They asked me if I’d like to debate this gentleman, and I said, ‘No.’ I said, ‘If I were in high school, I’d take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him.’”

Let’s get one thing clear – the only thing Biden or Trump are physically capable of beating is their dicks and Hillary Clinton (ayoooo!) You put these two in a ring and the only thing you’re gonna see is a dusty pair of farts drifting away on a stray draft. We’d all pay to see that fight, no one is gonna walk out of there satisfied in the least.

Luckily you and I realize this is a dumb statement out of Biden that doesn’t warrant a response, which means that of course Trump wouldn’—

 

Goddammit.

I’m not even going to comment on the “Don’t threaten people Joe!” coming immediately after “he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way” – irony doesn’t pick teams regardless of what side of the political spectrum you’re on, so I hope we can all agree this is fucking dumb. Biden’s statement was dumb, Trump’s response was dumb, and now we as a country are all the worse for it because our government has turned into an episode of Real Housewives except the cast has somehow gotten even less fuckable.

Y’all are more than welcome to measure each other’s dicks all you want, but for the sake of the other 325 million people in this country try to keep it in your pants until you get home. Please.