President Bill Clinton Apparently Stuck A Cigar Into Monica Lewinsky’s Vagina

Hey man – it’s a slow news day. Last night we had the MTV Video Music Awards, so of course everybody under the age of 30 is busy having a good ol’ fashioned circlejerk over things named Cardi B before we get to the more important topics, like whether or not President Bill Clinton stuck a cigar into Monica Lewinsky’s vagina during his time at the white house.

Devastating consequences = a yeast infection that lasted until 2007.

President Bill Clinton Stuck A Cigar Into Monica Lewinsky’s Vagina: The Facts

According to The Washington Post, a 1998 memo written by Brett Kavanaugh (who was recently nominated to take Anthony Kennedy’s spot on the Supreme Court) suggested 10 “tough, sexually explicit questions for President Bill Clinton to answer about his affair with Monica Lewinsky.” Of these 10 questions, they included:

  • “If Monica Lewinsky says that you inserted a cigar into her vagina while you were in the Oval Office area, would she be lying?”
  • “If Monica Lewinsky says that on several occasions in the Oval Office area, you used your fingers to stimulate her vagina and bring her to orgasm, would she be lying?”
  • “If Monica Lewinsky says that you masturbated into a trashcan in your secretary’s office, would she be lying?”

Note that Clinton never said “yes” to any of these – obviously. But these questions wouldn’t have been asked for no reason, so until further notice we basically have confirmation that Bill Clinton is not only a dog, but a downright freak too.

President Bill Clinton Stuck A Cigar Into Monica Lewinsky’s Vagina: Not Surprising

For one, I don’t see the point in lying here. Sure hindsight is 20/20, but it’s not like Hillary didn’t already know that her husband was a piece of work; might as well admit it and swing that dick like a helicopter to assert your dominance while you’re at it. “Yeah, I jerked off into my secretary’s trashcan – and I jerked off into YOURS TOO KAVANAUGH!” would have been the appropriate response.

And who gives a shit where he jerked off? It’s his fucking office. If the underside of the desk in the oval office is covered in splooge stains I wouldn’t be surprised, simply for the fact that there are very few people who’ve gotten the chance to jerk it in the white house, and dropping a load in the oval office has got to be some sort of invisible badge of honor all presidents quietly wear. I mean look at yourself – you can’t tell me you wouldn’t, because I know that I would and I don’t even have a dick to jerk.

But finally: Monica. What the hell. I get that he was the president, but at some point you have to take a look at yourself and ask “What the fuck am I doing?” A cigar in your vagina? You know how long it takes to get that smell out of clothes, let alone pubes? But aside from that, what’s even the point of sticking a cigar up there – it’s too thin. Unless Lewinsky’s got a tiny hamster vagina I don’t see how that’s going to do anything besides ruin a perfectly good cigar. Yes, I understand it’s a power-play sort of thing, but you’d think there would’ve been a perfectly good chair leg to use instead that would’ve had more effect.

[H/T Washington Post]