The penis is the strangest animal you’ll ever meet. It stands proud when it’s happy, shrinks like a fearful puppy when it’s scared or cold and it also humps stuff. All kinds of stuff. And not just normal stuff like other people or Fleshlights, but nutty stuff that you should have enough self awareness to keep your junk away from. But if that were the case, this article wouldn’t exist.
Hey, who hasn’t humped a vacuum? It’s as American as humping apple pie and less prone to dangerously raising your blood sugar. While normally a tale of vacuum debauchery gone awry would merit merely a snicker or two, this one wins extra attention because it’s a story that features the following exceptionally wonderful elements;
- A dwarf
- His penis
- A vacuum
- The circus
Yes, a little man put his willy in a vacuum, on stage, as part of a show and on this particular occasion a piece was broken so, to fix it, he just glued it together not figuring that his penis would be in there to pose a logistical problem. When he realized he was stuck I like to think he had to ride the vacuum to the hospital, but of course that would be silly.
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This is actually just one random example of this kind of story as it seems a number of people have been inspired to jam their junk in steel over the years. Of all things you could put a hump on, metal is probably one of those most unforgiving and therefore one that really should be avoided.
It’s hard to conceive of exactly what happened in this story, but follow along if you can – this gentleman had his wang stuck in a steel cylinder, or pipe. The pipe was 2 cm in diameter. If you’re not secure in your metric , that’s less than 0.8 inches. That’s a pretty tiny hole to be jamming your bits into. But also not surprising that you might get stuck if you manage to make it in there.
If you weren’t sure what happens when your penis is stuck in a metal cylinder, then get ready to laugh! The fire department uses various power tools to cut you free. Doesn’t that sound great? It’s either that or the doctors just cut your little soldier off, so you’ve got quite a crap shoot to endure whatever happens.
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I include this entry as a warning to any man, anywhere who sees a band of metal forged solely for the purpose of being worn on one’s finger and thinks “the 11th finger!” before triumphantly busting out the WD40 and whatever else may be necessary to wedge your dong into a ring. Seriously? Hopefully this man had big hands that put Shaq to shame but it’s just as likely he has some kind of remarkably pliable little noodle shlong because dude, a ring? A ring?
As you might expect, like so many other traps, it was a one way affair as once you get into this thing you’ve got expansion and such to deal with that causes you to never, ever remove a ring from your penis on your own. You have to include a hospital, the fire department and a cutting tool used by jewelers. Then you get on the internet.
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I got my finger stuck in a beer bottle once so I feel a connection to this story only like on a metaphysical ladder, where I’m two steps towards stupid and this guy climbed over the top already. The story comes from China where apparently the fellow in question was drunk and, in an effort to pee in the bottle got stuck in it, which is such a steaming load of lies someone should be given a shiny turd award for it, but hey, whatever.
The better part of the story is that someone found this guy with his pants down and the bottle stuck and called for help. The fire department arrived and couldn’t manage the situation so he was taken to a hospital and it was there that he figured things had gotten out of hand and pulled a fast one by asking to go out for a sec, then running off. Presumably kind of slowly and carefully.
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Hey, let’s stay in China! Because a guy humped a park bench there! I don’t know how this works and that’s the only reason I’m including it. Like I get how humping works, I have the internet, I’ve seen 5 German guys with a lady dressed like a horse before, but how do you hump a bench? What the hell is going on with Chinese benches? There are wang-sized metal holes in Chinese benches? Well, slightly less than wang-sized metal holes, but you know what I mean.
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This one isn’t an in so much as an on. The guy got his penis stuck on a bus shelter. That image should be on some kind of platinum disc we bury in a time capsule for future generations who want to understand human society in the early 2000s. Nothing else, just a guy with his junk stuck to a bus shelter.
So the story here is that a guy in Russia had to pee and of course he chose a bus shelter, those things don’t smell like piss by accident. Unfortunately it was also -30 Celsius which doesn’t event measure on the Fahrenheit scale and Drunky McStumblepiss rammed his unit into the freezing metal frame of the shelter, thus securing him in place. How was such a problem solved? A crowd gathered around to shout ideas and then finally a dude with a pot of hot water showed up and saved him, at which point the Iceman ran away.