Idiot Thief Tries to Steal Phone, Stabs Himself Instead

What’s the bane of modern society?  What’s that one thing we can all agree sucks more than anything has ever sucked and everyone hates it equally?  That god-forsaken plastic packaging that nearly everything comes in these days that’s just short of impossible to open.  It’s the worst thing ever and we all know it.  And now 46 year old David Lee of South Union Township knows it better than most of us since the genius that he is hatched a plan that saw him stabbed and imprisoned thanks to that plastic.

Lee headed into his local Wal Mart intent on stealing a phone, because what else is Wal Mart for these days if not for stealing stuff?  When’s the last time Wal Mart was even in the news for something not related to a crime?  Anyway, Lee snagged himself a Straight Talk wireless phone and then headed to a different part of the store to open the package with a knife.  As you might expect, only because this happened at a Wal Mart, Lee stabbed himself in the arm while trying to get the package open, badly enough that he then had to steal a towel to tourniquet the wound. 

Astute Wal mart employees (the company is required to have 5 on staff across the country at any given time) noticed Lee bleeding profusely through a stolen towel as he made his way out of the store.  So now you may be wondering just how bad was that stab wound?  It was bad enough that, after Lee drove himself to the hospital to have it treated, the hospital had to fly him in a helicopter to another hospital.  It was so bad they couldn’t handle it on their own.  Did the man cut his arm off?  Or just shred every vein and artery?

Lee was arrested at the hospital because obviously he was and an actual hazmat team had to be called to the Wal Mart to clean up the various pools and trails of vital fluids he left scattered about.

If you were to Google “stabbed at Walmart” right now you’d run across a few thousand results because people get stabbed at Walmart pretty much all the time.  Phoenix.  Edmonton.  Houston.  Rockford.  Hamden.  Fort Myers. Philadelphia.  Pretty much every place there is a Walmart and a knife within reaching distance there’s been a stabbing.  If you’re in the market for not being stabbed, you may want to consider Target or Kmart.