Summer is just around the corner according to Hollywood’s movie release schedule, and that means you’re going to have to set aside a day or so a week to actually leave the house and maybe stop looking at your phone for a minute or two. It’s rough, but it’s the way the pioneers did it. And like pioneers, you may find yourself in the great outdoors surrounded by fresh fruits and hippies – the farmer’s market! It’s like the grocery store only dirtier and probably with fewer FDA regulations, which makes it better for some reason. But if you do go, know who your fellow shoppers are so you know what you’re getting into.
The Gluten-Free, Vegan, Anti-GMO Crowd
This person is the backbone of the modern farmer’s market. Back in the day it used to just be hungry people. Today it’s this corduroy-and-macramé vest wearing health fanatic. Be wary of this person as you never know if it’s a Jekyll or Hyde situation. Is it possible for a vegan, anti-GMO, gluten-free shopper to be a good person? Absolutely. Just like it’s possible for another one to see you buying a sausage on a bun and flip their shit on you for contributing to the killing of our pig brothers and being a thoughtless carnivore. You’ll never know until it’s too late and that’s what tarnishes the reputation of all the potentially good, non-meddlesome ones out there. Assuming they exist.
Old Growth Hipsters
New Age Hipsters would never go to a farmer’s market. They probably shop directly from the back of shipping trucks and trailers. Honestly, no one cares. But there are a subset of hipsters who’ve realized being that tiresome is tiresome and just gave up on the whole hipster thing and now just wear thick glasses and go to markets just like you because their heart isn’t in it like it used to be.
These hipsters will still buy free-trade coffee and granola flavored douche, but they don’t have the energy to be judgmental anymore. Instead they’ll just shoot sour looks in your direction if you buy regular bananas instead of red ones.
Out of Touch, Upper Middle Class Types
Farmer’s Markets are quaint and that’s all it takes to convince someone who makes over $250,000 a year to want to visit one. Maybe there will be adorable trinkets to show their friends when they come to visit for the next dinner party. They have no idea what 70% cacao is or why it’s different than a Toblerone, but it costs $10 a bar so it must be good, right?
These people are fun to observe out in the open because, like a tiger loose in the city, it’s confused and unpredictable. Will it get angry if it gets dirty? Will it attempt to haggle with someone who doesn’t speak English just by speaking louder and slower? Only time will tell.
The Elitist Scumbag
Every aspect of human life has its advanced and, sadly, obnoxious experts. Sign into Xbox Live and the 12 year old scumbags will call you choice names as they beat you mercilessly in-game. Head to the Farmer’s Market and they will judge your purchases with smug glances and whispered in-jokes as they purchase apples that are fresher and cheaper than the mealy shit you just got duped into buying, you moron.
Do you gain anything in life from being judgmental over fruits and vegetables? Depends on if you consider people calling you an asshole a boon or not. But while you’re at the market, expect people to size you up by the way in which you inspect your melons. There’s nothing to be done for it except to remember, in the cosmic sense, you’re better than those people.
The Free Sampler
This guy likes the market because he’s hungry. If it’s a fully outdoor market, it’s possible he’s just a hobo looking to score a free lunch. And really, there’s a little bit of this guy in all of us because who doesn’t like free samples of artisanal cheeses? Nobody, that’s who.
You’ll notice the difference between this guy and the rest of the shoppers right off the bat as, even if he’s not a bum, he’s probably wearing an ill fitting shirt and carrying nothing because there’s no way he’s buying things today, he’s just looking for the ultimate free score on the off chance someone is giving out free steaks.
This sweet old lady just wants to get some grapefruit for breakfast because sweet old ladies like to have a half of a grapefruit for breakfast sometimes. No one knows why. But her quest for grapefruit is going to happen at the breakneck speed of a glacier that threw its back out. Why is she so slow? It defies logic. Are all her bones gelatin? Could it be possible she’s doing it on purpose just to make you late for wherever you want to go? But she’s so damn sweet and old!
The Philosophy Major
Easily mistaken for a hipster, the philosophy major is shopping at the farmer’s market not because of some misplaced cultural doofusness or for political and sociological reasons, he’s here because he has nowhere else to go. The supermarket causes too much anxiety and he saw this place advertised in the school paper. It seemed like a good place to find oranges. He needs oranges to stave off scurvy. He can only afford 5 of them.