Jerk Offs: 6 People Who Couldnt Keep It In Their Pants

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Dec. 20, 2013

Neal Marshall likes to drive.  A lot.  While doing 60 down the highway, Neal was pulled over.  Not for speeding, so much as the fact that he was buck nekkid and driving with one hand on the wheel and the other hand firmly on little Neal.  According to his lawyer he just got “carried away.”  That, incidentally, is lawyer talk for “My client is an idiot, plus don’t punish him more than is necessary.”

 

 

Neal apparently regrets his actions and never intended to be seen by a member of the public, which seems believable, what are the odds anyone else would be outside that day?  But Neal isn’t the only man who found himself really into being outside and couldn’t resist the urge to express his love in a squishy, offputting way.  It happens a lot more often than you’d think.  Let’s review!

 

 

Eugenio Freitas, a father of four and a guy who looks like an extra from the Sopranos, stood for ten solid minutes in the meat aisle of his local grocery store slamming his own salami while CCTV watched and presumably thanked Skynet that it wasn’t a sentient thing.

 

 

Not to be outdone,a  76 year old man fell prey to the sexy charms of his local grocery store.   When police arrived, the man was peeing on a van and claimed that was all he had been doing the whole time, including 26 minutes earlier when the call was first placed to police, making this the longest pee in the history of all time.

 

 

In November, a woman took the brave step of going to a washroom in a Wal Mart and found out why I’m making jokes about what goes on in Wal Mart washrooms when she ran afoul of Brian Hounslow, in the ladies room, beating something other than Wal Mart’s already low prices.  In this case, however, she opted to bust out her cell phone and film him as he left the washroom, yelling to everyone in Wal Mart about how he was a pervert, which you have to admit is kind of funny.

 

 

Even being at work isn’t grounds to keep the serpent in its den for some people, as NJ transit bus driver George Simpson was caught on the job, and filmed by a librarian,  driving himself to pleasuretown.  What set Simpson off?  He was driving into the Lincoln tunnel and lord knows a bus heading into the Lincoln tunnel is pretty much the best vehicular sexual euphemism in the world.  You can hardly blame the guy.

 

 

Even gentle Canadians are not immune to the sensuality of something as simple as a payphone, which apparently still exist in Canada.  A man in Nova Scotia (that’s Canadian for new scooter), was caught in the middle of the day at a pay phone releasing his inner Mountie.  He will face the full power of the Canadian judicial system, which is a surly moose.

So we have to ask - have you ever been indecent in public, alone or with another person?  Seems like everyone's doing it these days...

- Ian Fortey (I'm on the Twitter!)