They say sex is a beautiful and natural thing, usually in books or a sex ed course, and then when you have it for real it’s either super awesome and a little nasty or a tragic mistake you wish you could immediately take back. And then sometimes it becomes grounds for an ass kicking, Not sure how? Let’s find out.
Straight out of Florida comes this ballad of love gone wrong where a 45 year old lady and her ex-husband (who she was still seeing) went to their storage locker to drop off some stuff. If you’ve ever seen Storage Wars you know how sexy a locker can be so naturally our lady friend proposed they have some sex in the locker. Her ex agreed and told her to lay down in the back of their car and get ready for the ride of her life. She, however, said no. She didn’t want it in that position.
At this point, any normal person, or as normal as you are when you have sex outside a storage locker, would just say “cool” and move on to something new. Instead an argument ensued during which the woman threw something at her ex’s head and then, as the man tried to take some of his belongings from the car, she took off, which him hanging halfway out of the vehicle. Then she drove over his foot.
When cops arrived the man had a swollen foot and a bloody head wound. They sound like a lovely couple.
Thanksgiving is supposed to engender those feelings of warmth and happiness and gratitude in us, but hey, business is business, right? In this case, a couple of ladies got into an argument over a missing detachable penis, because you know how that goes. Arteesha Donaldson got angry when she couldn’t find the disembodied weiner and started arguing with her girlfriend over who had it last and where it might be. This escalated to the point where Donaldson threw an ironing board, because that’s a weapon.
When cops showed up, Donaldson was arrested thanks to the misdemeanor assault and the fact she had open warrants.
Apparently sex toy battles aren’t all that uncommon, either. Prosecutors dropped charges against Jantavia Taylor when her girlfriend/victim signed a waiver of prosecution. Taylor had been arrested after the pair had had an argument and, according to the initial complaint, had grabbed a kitchen knife and chased her girlfriend around the house. Turns out “knife” was a bit of an exaggeration and what she’d grabbed was actually a strap on dildo, which she threw out a window and which police later found in a neighbor’s yard. So it maybe could have hurt if she actually hit her girlfriend with it, but probably nowhere near as bad as your average knife wound.
This is a case of tragic, drunken stupidity that this man can remember forever because it’s on the internet. 53 year old Patrick Doggett called 911 because, and this is a quote, his girlfriend wouldn’t “give him any ass.” You can see how this is an emergency situation.
Police in Doggett’s town clearly don’t have a ton to do so they showed up to the call about denied ass and learned that his girlfriend has her grandchild with her and was not in an ass-giving mood. She also said Doggett had been drinking all day and had no idea what was going on, a story that sounds entirely believable given he called 911 to report lack of ass. For his efforts, Doggett was picked up for public intoxication and misuse of the 911 system.
Ms. Creamer, I presume
48 year old twins Heidi and Holly Creamer have the best names you’re going to hear all day. They also got into a hell of a fight over two separate yet equally important things – Heidi’s boyfriend and a vibrator. Police declined to provide specifics however both women were ragged and bloody when they arrived on the scene of the apartment the women shared.
Heidi apparently laid a closed fist beating on Holly after a verbal argument, then proceeded to scratch, punch and pull her sister’s hair as she was on the ground. When cops arrived Heidi had been successfully locked out but was pounding on the door screaming obscenities. Only after a bit of coaxing did police learn the fight was over a man and a vibrator but the exact details are lost to a police report somewhere…