How Much Terrible, Illegal Sex Can People Have in a Month?

Remember this guy, who broke his leg having sex with a horse?  Sure you do, who can forget that story.  Sounds like a real weirdo, right?  But why is he not alone?  Why is he so terribly, weirdly not alone?

Turns out creepy horse humper Castillo is part of a growing number of “nature lovers” who are growing either because they’re getting caught more, which seems unlikely, or there are just more people doing it, which is the more likely, more awful answer.  For instance, in Australia there was the story about Noel  Mitchell, a farmer and pony enthusiast who was just released after his second arrest for riding a pony in the wrong way.  It was his second time!

Mitchell was accused back in 2014 of doing it a second time and he used the classic “nope” defense.  Fair enough.  So his neighbor busted out the old camera to prove it next time as Mitchell climbed up on a milk crate to reach his mark and went to town, meaning the dude was doing this in his yard, apparently.  He cared so little, even after being arrested and convicted once for it, to even bother trying to throw up a curtain or stay in a barn or anything.  This man was either a risk-loving horse banger or just the laziest zoophiliac in the world.

In Missoula, Montana, a man who already has a large number of pets was put on trial following an “incident” with a husky.  The incident, of course, was the actual owner of the dog coming home to find Dwayne Kellmer, an acquaintance, on her kitchen floor, on his hands and knees with no pants on,  not using the dog to keep warm.  So this man went to someone else’s house when they weren’t there and got their dog to follow its instincts, on their kitchen floor.  Who does that?  Well, aside from Dwayne.  Who does that?

Not to be outdone by Dwayne,  there’s John Ford of the I Love Lucy animal shelter. Go on, have a drink now to prepare yourself.  John ran his pet rescue in Arkansas and is accused of basically using it like a candy store, only in this case he had sex with all the candy.  Dogs.  He had sex with a shelter full of dogs and somehow got caught.  Based on these other stories he probably did it in a display window or something.

Finally, if you’re still reading this, comes the story of a man in Alabama who has attempted to explain his beastiality away by blaming it on his wife.  Jonathan Edward Medley said his wife paid too much attention to her dog and not enough attention to him, so he did what any completely irrational and utterly insane maniac would do and tried to bang the dog.

Medley was caught because his wife thought he was cheating with another woman and had a recording device set up.  We can all assume she was surprised when she found out he was abusing their 2 year old shih tzu named Buster.  On the bright side, Buster was checked out by a vet and should be OK.  On the downside, Buster had to be checked out by a vet because we all know why.

In a world full of sites like Adultfriendfinder and Ashley Madison, of Fleshlights and porn and a million and one ways to get your rocks off that don’t get you thrown in jail and don’t make other people wince, why?  Why does this keep happening?