9 Claims by Pat Robertson That Will Blow Your Mind

Do you know Pat Robertson?  He’s a televangelist on The 700 Club and is of such renown the man once ran for President of the United States.  He’s also founded numerous companies and organizations and is likely richer than Alan Thicke.  Also of note is that Robertson seems to blend ignorance and hatefulness into just about everything he says, and he does it on TV so there’s always a record of it.  From accusing pretty much every other religion on Earth of being evil to blaming 9/11 on gays, lesbians, feminists and pagans.  Hurricane Katrina was the fault of abortion, by the way.

So is it surprising a man who believes these things continues to say dumb stuff?  No.  But it is surprising the kind of dumb stuff he continues to say.  Enjoy 9 of Robertson’s latest and craziest!

Porn Demons Wreck Cars

 

 

Here’s the scenario: You’re a decent, God-fearing person and one day you get into a car accident.  Is it just a random happenstance?  Is God punishing you, or teaching you a lesson?  Or is it something more?

As it happens there’s more to this story – our victim was watching a horror movie.  She wondered, could watching this have caused the accident?  Did God lift his protection due to her evil watching?

Ha ha, of course not, said Pat Robertson.  Although, now that you mention it, maybe.  You see, by going to watch some kind of double x-rated movie, you’re inviting demons to enter you and they, in turn, can’t drive for shit.  It probably didn’t happen, Robertson points out, but it could have.  So maybe beg for God’s forgiveness.  And stop watching that crap.  Also, porn and the Walking Dead are basically the same thing.  That’s a secondary message to take away from this.

 

Haiti Made a Deal with the Devil

 

 

Back in 2010, an earthquake devastated Haiti.  To this day the rebuilding effort is ongoing.  To you and me, an earthquake is caused by shifting tectonic plates.  As Pat Robertson explain back in 2010, however, the Haiti earthquake was a result of a pact the Haitian people made with Satan himself back during the days of Napoleon.

It seems, and just trust Pat on this because he’s the kind of guy who knows things, the Haitians wanted out from under French control, so they summoned the Devil or maybe they went to his house, however these things work, and they struck a deal to be freed from French control but ever since then bad stuff keeps happening thanks to the Devil always giving you a bum deal, which is why that earthquake happened.

 

Gay People Have Special AIDs Rings

 

 

This story was so ridiculous Robertson tried to have it stricken from the internet, which is about as easy as trying to collect all the air in a room in a bag with your hands.  In response to a question about whether it’s immoral not to tell someone you have AIDS if you have close contact with them, Robertson spun off on a tangent about the gays in San Francisco.  These gays, you see, have rings.  Special rings.  Think the Green lantern, only instead of using willpower to create objects out of green energy, they cut people when you shake hands so that every handshake is a big, gay, AIDS-laden jamboree.  Never shake hands in San Francisco, is the point here.

 

Husband Cheating? Be Grateful You’re Married and Make Home More Enticing

 

 

Infidelity is a huge issue for couples in America.  Are there solid numbers?  Every study gives different ones, but for the most part you’re looking at maybe 20% of relationships affected by one partner cheating.  So what advice might Pat Robertson offer a woman who has discovered her husband has been unfaithful?  Much as you’d expect, his first piece of advice is to stop mentioning it.  He cheated?  Oh well, he’s a man.  And men, you see, have a tendency to wander so it’s the woman’s job to entice him to stay.

Did any feminists explode while watching this clip?  Hard to say.  Pat expects they were in the kitchen anyway, and he doesn’t go there.

 

Ugly Women Ruin Marriages

 

 

Apparently Pat answers questions directed not just to him but to Maxim magazine. That’s not relevant, just a curious twist in this story.  Anyway, a 17 year old boy wrote in to ask advice about his home life – his dad has lost interest in his mother and spends most of his time playing computer games.  How does he get his parents back together again?

Pat offers yup the great idea of arranging a romantic weekend for the two.  Sounds good, case closed.  Wait, nope, Pat isn’t done. He also points out maybe this isn’t dad’s fault.  Maybe mom is some kind of insufferable monster and hard to deal with.  Then he tells a joke about a fat, ugly woman with messy hair who goes to her preacher and complains that her husband has started to drink.  The preacher sympathizes saying if he was married to her, he’d drink, too.  Because she’s so hideous!   Let that be a lesson to you ladies – stop being ugly.

 

D&D Ruins Lives!

 

 

There was a time when Ozzy Osbourne and Iron Maiden were accused of being Satanic.  Hell, even Elvis was accused of youth corruption.  So was Socrates, for that matter, and he’s as dry as shit by today’s standards.   Like anything kids are into, even Dungeons & Dragons, the ultimate in nerd time-killing, has fallen under the hammer of the religious right.  Only problem here is that the game has been around for what, 30 years?  And Pat Robertson is still accusing it of being evil.

Seems that teen suicide is a big issue and it’s caused by all the pressure kids are under, from things like bulimia, anorexia and demonic games like Dungeons and Dragons.  Plus there’s some new ones.  We can only hope he meant Scrabble.

God Mocks Climate Change

 

 

Climate Change is a hot button issue for Americans – the world science community is fully behind the reality of climate change, but many pundits and talking heads still argue it’s untrue, or point to snowflakes and roll their eyes while saying “global warming?  I bet!” and they all have a good chuckle while drinking their snifters of brandy.  What does Pat Robertson think (and by Pat Robertson we have to infer God, since Pat Robertson is spreading the word of God, with one or two translation errors)? Welp, ol’ Pat thinks Washington DC was recently afflicted with a power outage brought down by the hand of the Almighty because they were having an all-night session on climate change.  That was God’s way of making a funny. 

Sick People Need to Give More to the Church

 

 

Sickness got you down?  It’s probably your own damn fault for not giving enough money to church.  As Robertson explains to a viewer who wrote in explaining her and her husband live on a pension and he has a lot of medical expenses due to his illnesses, the reason they have so many expenses is because they’re spending their meager income on keeping him alive. If they tithed that money, God would cure him and it wouldn’t be an issue.  Sounds legit!

 

Video Game Murder is Real Murder

 

 

Like most people, Pat Robertson is concerned for the fake prostitutes in the world of Grand Theft Auto.  They’re real people with real feelings, except for the exact opposite of that.  When a viewer of the 700 Club asked Robertson if video games are sinful in the eyes of God, Robertson brought up how looking at a woman with lust in your heart is the same as committing adultery and then decided that the things you do in video games are the same as performing the act for real.  So effectively each and every one of us is a mass murdering monster.