Ah, Italy. Birthplace of luminaries such as Leonardo da Vinci and Michaelangelo, home of the Ferrari and Lamborghini, creator of casinos and even the bicycle. Italy has a long and lush history as a cultural and creative epicenter for the entire world. And let us not forget the cuisine.
Olive Garden, a restaurant chain which is to Italian cuisine as a Fleshlight is to sex, has decided to celebrate Italy’s gastronomic fare by offering up the single most insane deal you have ever heard of from any restaurant in the history of ever. For $100 you have 7 weeks to murder yourself inside the walls of an Olive Garden. Which is to say for $100, you get a 7 week unlimited pass to gorge yourself like some kind of spaghetti-and-bread fueled Sarlacc on pasta,salad, bread and Coca-Cola brand refreshments for as long as you want. You want to be there open to close, every day, for 7 weeks? You can do that. Well, physically no one could do that, but you could plan to do that. You’ll go toxic in your ravioli sometime in week three, but people will write about you afterwards.
Olive Garden is only selling 1000 of these passes because afterwards any more may qualify as a hate crime. Is this a good deal? Technically yes, if you were purchasing this amount of food for meals. The amount in bulk pasta for let’s say two meals a day for 7 weeks is probably about $50 alone. Toss in some canned pasta sauce, a few Caesar salads, 98 pieces of bread and 98 Diet Cokes (don’t want to get fat) and this is absolutely a deal, assuming your heart, liver, kidneys, colon and brain would ever go for it, which they won’t.
Obviously most people who go for this deal will be more modest with their eating and not consuming lunch and dinner here every day for the full 7 weeks, but realistically they could and it’s entirely likely even one guy will. To that one guy, all we ask is that you email us, or even post on Twitter or Instagram or whatever so we have the correct spelling of your name and can flesh out the visuals a bit when we write of your eventual demise.
Even the Hulkster can't save you.
Now we’re being a little harsh on the Olive Garden here, which famed chef Anthony Bourdain once said he’d like to take a “big f*cking can of gasoline” to, because really, it’s an affront to traditional Italian cooking. Now a lot of people still like it and that’s OK. It’s like a microwave burrito as Mexican food, or a packet of Ramen noodles as Chinese food. Maybe not the real deal, but if you’re hungry it’s not the worst thing in the world, and sometimes that shit tastes good, right? Why not. But even if this was the greatest restaurant on Earth (Taco Bell?), even if this was the most luscious, delicious and well-prepared food crafted by a master chef for you and you alone, what the hell, dude? 7 weeks of all you can eat?
All you can eat is meant to be a one meal affair where you put aside your shame and remember all the reasons you hate yourself, then bury those reasons in food. And if you need to do that at Olive Garden because almost-lasagna is your vice then by God, you do it at Olive Garden. But do it on Friday night. Then wake up on Saturday with a scowl and a garlicky taste in your mouth, go to the bathroom while you read a bunch of texts on your phone, then start your life over again at 0. You proved your point, you hurt yourself, you learned a lesson, you’re done. Move on. This masochistic circus act is unconscionable and unnecessary. 7 weeks? That’s nearly 2 months. Chris Brown didn’t even spend that much time behind bars for beating Rihanna, what the hell did you do?
Something bad, obviously.
If you want to put a silver lining on this tomato-red cloud of despair, find out if this pass is transferrable. If there’s no name or ID associated with it, this would be an awesome thing to buy for your local homeless shelter so some friends there can share the wealth and eat hearty for a few weeks. Someone, somewhere needs to make something good come from this abominable promotion.