North Korea says that a new Seth Rogen movie is an act of war. I know Neighbors was not his best work, but come on; we don’t need to go nuclear over it! Huh-huh.
Actually we learned this week that North Korean dictator Kim Jun-Un is a little, eensy teensy bit upset at Seth Rogen and James Franco for making a film about people attempting to assassinate him. It seems reasonable that someone would be pissed over a film being made all about their murder. However Kim Jung-Un doesn’t help his case that he’s just a nice guy trying to do what’s right for the people when he wants to go to war over something the star of Zack and Miri Make a Porno did. The reclusive North Korean government has issued a statement saying that the making and screening of Rogen’s film is an act of war. The Interview isn’t set to hit theaters until this October, but North Korea says if it does, the United States could be hit with a lot worse.
“The act of making and screening such a movie that portrays an attack on our top leadership… is a most wanton act of terror and act of war, and is absolutely intolerable,” a North Korean Foreign Ministry spokesman said.
Oh no you didn’t.
They went on to request that the United States government ban the film and stop it from being screened and released – or else it would trigger a “resolute and merciless response!” Seems they don’t really “get” how freedom of speech and democracy works. You have to offer up a lot of money for something like that to happen! And right now The Interview is getting a lot of free publicity! So looks like we are going to war with North Korea this October. Sweet! This means I just won a bet on how human civilization will end. The choices were:
A. An asteroid.
B. Global warming.
C. A nuclear war started by a chubby guy with a weird laugh who makes stoner comedies.
The answer is C. It was the fat guy with the bong. Always keep your eye on the fat guy with the bong. However, if we do go to war with North Korea, this may not be the strangest reason for a war!
1. The Football War
In the past The World Cup has been the source of more international conflict than just a guy getting bitten. In 1969 El Salvador and Honduras fought the “100 Hours War” over a soccer match. Tensions over immigration issues where high between the two countries already when their teams played each other during a qualifying round of The World Cup. This resulted in riots between the fans and El Salvador attacked Honduras in a conflict that lasted 100 hours. And you thought it was bad when Boston won.
2. The Drunken War
OK, the reason for this war was more traditional but how they fought it was downright WEIRD. After the fall of the Soviet Union Moldova wanted to have closer ties with Romania but an eastern part of the country wanted to stay with Russia. Sounds familiar; however while soldiers and officers fought during the day, they would meet at night to drink together! They even “poured some out for their dead homies” so to speak, drinking to honor the people they had killed during the day. More wars should be like this!
3. The Pig War
I’ll wait for the movie.
In 1859 the United States and Great Britain had a mini war – today what we might call a conflict – over the shooting of a pig on the San Juan Islands. An American farmer living on the island shot a pig who wondered onto his land and was ruining his garden. The pig happened to be owned by an Irishman and the two got into quite an argument over the incident. British authorities threatened to arrest the American and American settlers demanded US military action. Man, they should have both just shared a plate of bacon. As the San Juan territory was under dispute between the two countries, this escalated quickly. However once word of the conflict got back to Washington and London, leaders quickly calmed the situation, thinking; “ya’ll crazy.”
4. The Wooden Bucket War
This is the wooden bucket in question. Would you fight a war over it? Just borrow the bucket.
In 1325 the city state of Modena declared war on its rival city Bologna in order to get a wooden bucket back. Apparently Modena soldiers stole a wooden bucket in Bologna and Bologna declared war over it. It’s like when your neighbor borrows the lawnmower and you have to kill his family to get it back. Kim Jong-Un doesn’t sound so crazy now. Maybe you could start war if they stole the king’s gold, or the princess, but a bucket? The resulting war lasted for twelve bloody years. The awesome part is they never got the bucket back! That stupid bucket is still kept in a Modena bell tower to this day as centuries long running “F-You.”
Declare this article an act of war on Twitter @PhilHaney