Ebola Zombies Don’t Exist? No Kidding

As a public service to our readers and loved ones, we’d like to address a story that’s going around today.  Maybe you say it on the Independent, HuffPo, International Business Times and dozens of others.  The story is about how the ebola zombie is a hoax.

Go on, pour yourself a shot.

It’s 2014.  We can travel to space.  We’re on the cusp of growing custom organs in laboratories, an event which will revolutionize healthcare and save millions of lives.  We can clone life forms and the internet connects the world.  This is an amazing and enlightened time full of morons.

Who thought ebola zombies were real?  That person is functionally stupid.  And sorry to be so harsh, but there’s no other explanation for it.  It’s not meant to be an insult but a concise and brutal observation of fact.  No one with an even basic knowledge of biology, of science in general, could or would ever believe in actual zombies. 

Also not real.

The news does not need to report that zombies are fake any more than it needs to tell us Dracula is not going to float in our window or that the wolfman is the one who has been rooting through our trash because it’s not news.  It’s not even reality.  If the news is going to start debunking fantasy, when must it stop?  Prove I wasn’t abducted by aliens.  Prove Bigfoot isn’t in the woods.  Prove leprechauns don’t grant wishes.

People believe a lot of nutty things in the world, and that’s OK.  And the story out of Liberia may have even been believed by a lot of people in Liberia who don’t have access to the kind of education and science those of us in the Western world enjoy.  But shouldn’t the media be held to a standard where it doesn’t play down to every silly ass story that comes along?  If people believe in zombies, it’s not the job of the media to placate their fears, because they are irrational and not worth addressing.  It’s an insult to the rest of us to have our intelligence insulted by that level of journalism.  If we’re debunking zombies, what’s being cut from the news?  What real stories are being ignored in favor of clickbait and key word padding to rank higher on Google searches? 

The news isn’t supposed to be AMC or HBO.  The news is the shit that happened today, no matter how boring and completely believable it was.  Because the world we live in is sometimes boring and all too real.