Abraham Lincoln once said “everybody poops” which was then stolen and turned into a gritty novel by some author or other. But the statement remains as true today as when Lincoln grunted it in a log cabin outhouse. The problem is, today people are weirder than ever and every so often criminals decide to commit poop crimes and then enough of them are committed that someone can actually write an entire article about it. Seriously, poop crimes. That’s all this article is about. Share it with friends and loved ones.
Ypsilanti, Michigan is plagued by a serial pooper. So well known is this person that there are actual, full sized billboards in the city that request assistance in apprehending the dirty subject, who is known to poop in playgrounds, particularly on slides.
The pooper has been at work for 6 months so far, to the point where you’d be forgiven for calling him The Pooper as an official title. Police have set up hidden cameras and the Pooper even has his own Twitter to mock those who might claim to be closing in on him, like some kind of fecal Hannibal Lecter.
Will police catch the Ypsilanti Pooper soon? Time will tell, but in the interim, try to avoid any slide parks there.
A proper lady named Mellisa Mansfield caught the eye of local police when she was caught, on I-95 no less, squatting next to the car she stole pooping on the road. She stole a car and drove it just as far as she could before the need arose to pinch a loaf, and she apparently couldn’t wait until she got to a Denny’s.
The police weren’t looking for her or her stolen car at the time, it was just the pooping that alerted them to an issue. This was exacerbated by the fact she had no valid license and, of course, when the plates of her car were run through the computer, it was stolen. So all in all a banner day for Mellisa, who can’t spell her own name.
Car Roof Pooper
If you’re ever in a conflict with a neighbor and want to play the psychological angle in such a way as to make them fear your stability, poop on their car. Yes, it’s bizarre and against your better judgment, but that’s the point. People don’t expect it, so when you do it, it will off balance your foe.
In this case, police got a prowler call and when they arrived on the scene, found a naked man on top of a Toyota Camry, smearing his own poop on it. When he saw cops, he pulled up a pair of shorts and ran like a crap bandit in the night, hopping fences until he was caught nearby because never in the history of ever has a naked dude covered in his own poop outrun anyone.
What do you do if you come home and find your husband or wife in bed with someone else? It’s not an altogether uncommon experience and, for some people, it means you have to call Maury Povich. But for Brenda Schumann, who busted in on her husband in bed with another woman, it involved holding the two adulterers at gunpoint before peeing on the carpet and pooping in the kitchen. So probably this didn’t take place in her own home, but no guarantees.
Straight out of Canada comes this heartwarming tale of children, camping and moose turds. Imagine you’re a 8th grader, you’re on a field trip and one of the chaperones, another kid’s dad, offers you a chocolate covered almond. So you dig in only to be informed shortly thereafter that you’re eating moose poop. Everyone, including the guidance counselor and the school principal laugh at you. Then, as you run off ti puke in the stream, another kid falls victim to the same joke, only this kid has braces that the poop gets stuck in. That’s how pranks roll in Manitoba, where no child is safe from the insane malevolence of the public school board and their poop-eating ways.
The school board frowned on this behavior and claimed it would discipline those involved, which is one of those weird things we let schools do when their employees commit crimes, rather than having actual cops involved. Go figure. Anyway, point is, don’t eat chocolate almonds in Canada.