Nailed It: Science Says Chubby Older Dads Are Hot

It’s an all too familiar path: as men get older and have a kid or twelve we tend to, you know, “round up” a bit. There’s a dad look so generic that it makes every youth sporting event look like the crowd is populated by pudgy clones. Well, you might call them pudgy, but science says they’re eye candy: 

“Pudgy older fathers live longer, are more attractive to the opposite sex and are better at passing on their genes than their leaner counterparts, scientists have claimed.

Becoming fatter after fatherhood due to decreasing testosterone levels may not fit the “macho” ideal, but it actually prolongs lives and strengthens immune systems, according to Richard Bribiescas, professor of anthropology and deputy provost at Yale University.

There is evidence that these men are less likely to suffer from heart attacks and prostate cancer, while a study in 2008 found that men with high metabolisms were around 50 per cent more likely to die in a given year than those whose bodies burned up less energy at rest.”

That’s right...SCIENCE. 


 

“Prof Bribiescas also argues that becoming more podgy makes dads more likely to invest their time in their children rather than looking for other women, while the increased levels of fat could make them more attractive to women.”

I’m too sexy for my shirt. I’m also too big for it now, but the ladies seem to love it.

Yeah, I’m feeling saucy.

This is the best news ever for perhaps the most beleaguered demographic in America. Television is consistently brutal to us chubby dads, whether in commercials or sitcoms. We’re portrayed as low-functioning morons who are so inept at home that the children are forever in danger of dying in a house fire if left alone with us for more than five minutes. Our only kitchen skill, if TV ads are to be believed, is driving to McDonald’s. 

Do you really think we all got fat on the cooking of feminists who have careers of their own? The last woman I met who could cook better than I do was my grandmother, and she had some first generation American ethnic wizardry going on. Those Eastern European women were born rolling dough for pierogi. 

When we aren’t being mocked as slightly evolved baboons with single-digit IQs who are a danger to our offspring, we’re barely thought of at all. We’re the invisible segment of society, if the entertainment world is to be believed. 

How delicious (chubby guy word) it is to discover that we are BASICALLY THE ENTIRE REASON THAT YOU’RE STILL HERE, HUMANITY.

“This change in body composition not only causes men to shop for more comfortable trousers but also facilitates increased survivorship and, hypothetically, a hormonal milieu that would more effectively promote and support paternal investment.”

Just so you all understand that this isn’t merely some excuse-making for the fourteen pound burrito I had last night, I’m creating a “hormonal milieu” here. Dads out there, drop some of that that knowledge on the next person who asks, “Do you really need fries with that?”

Why yes, I do. If you knew anything at all about parenting, you’d know that my children need me to have them too. Why don’t you run along to your hot yoga class while I’m smothering my parenting skills in ketchup? I may follow this up with an Oreo cookie milkshake to really put myself in the running for Father of the Year. 

There’s a Crossfit place up the street from me where all the chiseled pec (many just have one-I don't even want to know) dudes work out shirtless, which previously annoyed me whenever I was walking to Subway for a footlong dinner (I’m empty-nesting now, so I cook less). Now there is going to be a little bounce in my step because I know I am actually parading the masculine ideal past them and they’re too busy not being good fathers to notice. So what if I am a little too heavy for the bounce in my step to be perceptible, there’s other stuff bouncing here, people. 

Rise up, portly fathers of the world, for we are voiceless no more. Never mind that one big reason we've been voiceless to this point is that our mouths have been full, we've been doing it for the betterment of mankind. Our efforts may have gone unnoticed for a long time, but then some chubby guy used his “not working out” time to find vindication on the internet, which is pretty much Pudgy Dude Heaven. 

Head for the buffet and get in line for seconds if you really want the ladies to love you. You no longer have to hide in XXL shame. Take a few selfies while you're there so lonely women can peruse your Instagram account and dream about what might have been. 

You may need to invest in a cell phone that has a wide-angle selfie option first. 

 

Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world.