Mormons Finally Explain Magic Underwear

Remember Mitt Romney?  He ran for comptroller or something a few years ago but, more importantly, as a Mormon he was a wearer of magical Mormon underpants which protect his nude body from Satan.  Or do they?  The thing about magical Mormon underwear is that no one really knows why Mormons wear magical Mormon underwear, other than the obvious reasons you can think of for why anyone would ever wear magical underwear regardless of their faith.

Well, the Mormon church has finally be pushed to the limits after years and years (and years) of public mockery from the likes of South Park, politicians, journalists, stand-up comedians and smart asses like me.  They have released a video that explains what the magic underwear is for (it’s not magical after all) and criticizing those who would make fun of it.

According to the four minute video, the sacred vestments are just like any other religious symbol or practice from any number of other widely accepted world religions.  Catholics may wear a crucifix, a Jewish person may wear a yarmulke, and so on and so forth.  The sacred “temple garments” of the Mormon faith are just like those robes a Buddhist monk wear.  Right?  Sure.

While Break happily supports the diversity of religion, there comes a point where religion is now a grey area and what you’re doing is best described as “shady weirdness.”  This is what happens in Scientology, for instance, or The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (looking at you, Warren Jeffs).  Do you know what Mormonism, Scientology and Jeffs’ crazy cult all have in common?  No, it’s not that Jeffs started as a Mormon, it’s that all three of those widely criticized and weird religions have a long, creepy history of secrecy and laughably weird foundations.

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Nice front sack.

In 2014 anyone can argue that, if you tried to start Catholicism today and told people you had a friend named Jesus who turns water into wine and came back from the dead, you’d be laughed out of town and they’re right.  But that misses the key point to why Christianity is the world’s most followed religion – it didn’t start in 2014.  It’s 2000 years old and its dogma and tradition is so ingrained in the history of the entire world and the people who live here the idea of it is, by and large, infallible.  Many atheists and agnostics will of course find it silly, but the majority still believe and that makes it simply acceptable.  This is not true for the dark Lord Xenu or Joseph Smith’s totally believable golden plates of Mormonism.  Because those ideas came later, to a more sophisticated world, when you talk about aliens strapped to volcanoes with H bombs, everyone but Tom Cruise thinks you’re an idiot.  When you suggest one guy found golden plates written in Egyptian in upstate New York and that he gave them back to an angel when he was done copying them, you’re basically saying “yeah, so, I made this up” as far as modern critics are concerned.

So it’s great that the Mormon Church is willing to let people know their underwear isn’t magical, it’s just a sacred garment, even if it’s a little weird that it’s underwear, but for them to take the critical approach of suggesting outsiders are wrong for poking fun at such things in the past shows their own foolishness.  If you keep special underpants a secret from the entire world, even though the world knows they exist, and you keep pretending you don’t know what we’re talking about, what the hell do you think is going to happen?  A Jewish person can readily tell you about a yarmulke.  A Catholic can explain a crucifix.  It took Mormons almost 200 years to address their underpants.  Don’t get sassy with the rest of us, Church of Mormon, you brought this on yourself.