There was a point in time where I thought that I was never going to have sex; that I was going to wind up living a lonely life filled with nothing but playing video games and watching television. It wasn't until I got older that I realized every 12-year-old has those same thoughts, and that having sex isn't the end-all be-all of everything -- is it important? From an evolutionary standpoint, yes. But in my world quality is more important than quality, so hearing that bionic penis man Mohammed Abad has received "a lot" of messages from women who want to try out his robot dick, well...that doesn't mean shit to me.
Now, you don't have to agree with me here -- this is America! You can disagree with EVERYTHING and they'll give you a television show as long as you're not a complete slob without any interpersonal skills whatsoever. But you can't honestly tell me that you would rather have sex with 40 of these:
Versus one of these:
Candace Swanepoel is perfection, whereas Mama June is the sexual equivalent of a prom night dumpster baby.
Though I suppose that since Mohammed was a virgin until recently, he doesn't really care what he's sticking his dick into as long as it counts as sex. At only six years old, Mohammed was involved in a car accident that caused him to lose both his penis and one testicle. It wasn't until 2012 that doctors were able to attach an $88,000 replacement to his body, however it took another four years for him to finally be able to pop his cherry -- in March Mohammed finally had sex for the first time with an escort named Charlotte Rose.
Since sliding his bratwurst into the ol' meat casing for the first time, Mohammed says he's received about 50 messages from women who are "desperate" to try out his 8-inch bionic dick. "I get a lot of messages from women online who ask me if I will have sex with them," he explains to the Daily Star, "They've heard about my bionic penis and they want to try it out. They are all very intrigued and think I can make love for hours."
That is a GREAT misconception for people to have about you, but we're about to come full-circle here because...what kind of woman hits up a random dude they saw in the news for sex? If these chicks are really as thirsty for robot dick as Mohammed claims, I've got a feeling they're all...
...well, you get the idea.
But despite the overwhelming amount of offers for no-strings-attached sex, Mohammed says he hasn't put that bionic P in the V since his tryst with Charlotte Rose. "It's not that I don't want to and I get offers, but I have been so busy with work. I work 14-hour shifts every day and by the time I get home I'm just too tired for sex" he told the Daily Star. In other words, Mohammed is living out the fantasy of every 14-year-old boy in the country and has instead chosen to jerk off alone at home instead of get laid. "With great power comes great responsibility" my ass.
Things could soon change for him though -- Mohammed says his parents are currently searching for a suitable girl for an arranged marriage, and that the wedding could be as early as 2017. "We're speaking to a few parties at the moment," he explains, "I don't care what she looks like -- she could be tall, short, thin or fat. I prefer personality to looks. My parents will find me a suitable match."
Yeah, that's what they all say. Then your parents roll up with the human equivalent of a manatee and things start clicking in your head -- no wonder they refused to show you any photos and would only say that she's got a "great sense of humor." Anyone who's busted has to have a great sense of humor; it's how they keep from crying about the ugly.
Regardless of my cynicism, Mohammed says that he's "really looking forward to the wedding night" and that even though he's only slept with one person, he's still happy to no longer qualify as a virgin anymore. "I'm not saying I'll be like George Best in the bedroom, but I'm much more confident."
What would you do if you had a bionic penis -- be like Mohammed and jerk off, or push that thing into overdrive? Let us know in the comments!