Minecraft Porn: What Is It, Why Is It?

blawsome by blawsome on Aug. 24, 2014

WHAT IS MINECRAFT PORN?

If you’ve read every book, seen every movie, listened to every song, played every game, and watched every porno, the time has come for you to enter the world of Minecraft porn. If you still haven’t gotten around to reading Moby-Dick, maybe you should walk away, but if you have, keep reading. Put simply, Minecraft porn is porn (or at least “porn”) made inside the sandbox game Minecraft. Presumably, since you’re here, you already know all about Minecraft, so I won’t bore you with a lot of unnecessary information about that game. As with life, it’s probably a good idea to skip straight to the porn. Now that all that is out of the way, here we go!

As you can see, Minecraft porn takes characters in the game and puts them in vaguely (as opposed to explicitly, because the game doesn’t actually support sex, at least not yet) suggestive situations. Laughs occur, fun is had, boys become men, etc. This video sets the tone for all Minecraft porn in that it isn’t really intended for sexual consumption (at least, I hope it isn’t). That might be a matter of an opinion, though, based on this comment underneath the video from user “LOLsensation”:

“I have always wanted to try this. My IGN is mrsbayleebieber, come on the server address: pvp.mrminecraft.net ask for Mrsbayleebieber, and when I'm on we can hookup ;) Make sure it is hardcore and like this.”

Huh, I guess you really can find all types of people on the World Wide Web. Anyway, if you’re looking for a chance with Mrsbayleebieber, you might as well watch some more Minecraft porn so you’ll know what to do when you meet her out in the virtual world. Nothing more embarrassing than an inexperienced Minecraft sex-haver! Nothing except an experienced Minecraft sex-haver, I mean. Here’s lesson #2:

I’d tell you about some of the comments underneath that video on YouTube, but most of them are incompressible to me. And I’m actually pretty happy about that.

ARE THERE ANY OTHER KINDS OF MINECRAFT PORN?

You might assume that all content that could be classified as Minecraft porn follows the same pattern as the above two videos. And, horrifyingly enough, you would be mostly right. There are some unscrupulous Minecraft smutsmiths out there who splice misleading frames into their Minecraft porn, like the one in the video below that seemingly shows actual porn with clumsily attached Minecraft graphics, but actually appears to be regular old Minecraft porn. Whether or not this is a disappointment probably depends on the viewer:

ARE THERE ANY STILL IMAGES OF MINECRAFT PORN?

Maybe you’re in some kind of situation where videos aren’t what you need. Maybe you know someone who might like a bit of Minecraft porn for their desktop wallpaper, or maybe you want to go into an unusual direction for your Christmas cards this year (never too early to start planning, after all). To get you started, here’s an internet meme that says pretty much all you need to know about Minecraft porn (we’re going to keep going with this blog post anyway, though):

A Google image search of “Minecraft porn” will get you a predictably disturbing lineup of images, much of which doesn’t appear to have much to do with Minecraft, and isn’t particularly appropriate to post here anyway. So it seems that the art form is mostly restricted to videos.

CAN I MAKE MY OWN MINECRAFT PORN?

Ah, I really respect that sense of creativity and entrepreneurship.  Why settle for the work of others when you can get out there and make your own? As you’ve probably already guessed if you watched any of the videos above, it isn’t difficult. Pretty much all you need is the ability to play Minecraft on some platform or another, the ability to record your gameplay, and a complete and utter lack of shame. Once you’ve acquired these three things, Minecraft’s open gameplay mechanics mean that your imagination is the limit on what kind of porn you can make. Just remember to come up with a decent porn pseudonym – Minecraft porn, while entertaining in certain desperate situations, is not something that potential employers can be expected to understand if they search for your name on the internet. You also have to be weary of tempting-looking how-to videos on YouTube, because some of them are pranks designed to troll people who are searching for information about Minecraft porn on the internet. Like this one:

I don’t understand it either, folks.

ARE THERE ANY OTHER INTERSECTIONS BETWEEN PORN AND MINECRAFT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

Well, that depends on how you define “should.” If you mean “should” as in knowing more about porn inside Minecraft is necessary for you to grow professionally and personally, start or maintain a family, or achieve fulfillment in your creative life, well, no, probably not. But if you mean it as in you “should” know about it to be able to look at actual porn while you play Minecraft, then the answer is “yes.”

For example, there’s an expansion pack you can download that puts real, live porn right into your version of Minecraft, so you can bring new, disturbing meaning to the term “multitasking.” I can’t vouch directly that it actually works, but here’s a quasi-legit-seeming tutorial about how to do it:

As you can see if you watched the above video, the pornography in the demonstration has been censored. That’s so it could stay up on YouTube without being taken down, but it also means that it can be posted here without fear of repercussions. Whether or not it works is up to you to find out, and I wish you good luck in your mission.

If your appetite for Minecraft porn is still unsated, there’s a pretty funny parody video that shows what actual explicit pornography in the world of Minecraft might look like if it existed. You can’t do anything like this in the real Minecraft game, of course, at least not yet, but it probably lines up with your interests quite nicely, especially if you’ve read this far down the page:

Hopefully your girlfriend didn’t walk in on your watching that, but if she did, at least you have more time to watch Minecraft porn now.

HAS THERE BEEN ANY REAL MINECRAFT PORN?

Since the world of pornography, especially pornography on the internet, is so wide and vast, it’s impossible for me to answer this question with 100% certainty. But I can tell you that there isn’t much in the way of high-profile Minecraft references in porn, at least not yet. Maybe in a few more years, porn producers will finally catch on to the huge audience for Minecraft-related porn there is out there, and release This Ain’t Minecraft: A XXX Parody or something with a similar title. Until then, people with an inexplicable urge to combine sex with Minecraft will have to keep on settling for pixelated representations of nudity and weird parody videos. We all have to make sacrifices, and this is theirs.