13 Useful Masturbation Euphemisms For Everyday Stories

Yesterday another fellow was caught masturbating in a parking lot somewhere – specifically a CVS parking lot in Rhode Island.  Same guy did it at the Walgreens across the street in 2008.  And last week another guy got nabbed masturbating in a Wal Mart parking lot.  Some dude on a NY subway pulled a gun on people who caught him masturbating and in the UK a couple were caught masturbating each other on a hiking trail.  This was all within about a week and there are still more examples. 

Point is, people jerk off in public way too much for the media to keep using the same word – masturbating.  They were caught masturbating.  Listen media, that conveys only the most rudimentary of facts.  Were they drunk?  Criminally insane?  Did they bring supplies or was it impromptu?  There’s a reason so many masturbation euphemisms exist, you know.

In light of the media’s inability to be more colorful when describing people arrested for self pleasure, we’ve put together this quick guide to some of the more useful terms one can use.  Don’t disappoint us, Huffpo.  Next time you report a story like this, and you will, break it down with some euphemistic magic.

The Five Knuckle Shuffle –a playful kind of sporting wank, the sort you do while listening to top 40 on the radio

Tug of War with the Cyclops – more serious yet still fantastical enough to invoke terrible beasts of lore

Flogging the dolphin – A serious brand of self pleasure that requires the brutal imagery of destroying one of nature’s wonders

Taming the shrew – An elegant affair, like all Shakespeare in modern ages, and may include talking dirty to yourself with an English accent

Secret Handshake – Very James Bond and very suave, this is a reward for a day of doing everything right.  You go,champ!

Rubbing one out – This is all business, no times for bells and whistles.  You have a job to do.

Making chowder with Sailor Ned – a real self-loathing kind of masturbation that you do when you’re angry or when you’re the kind of person who bathes at irregular intervals.

Liquidating your inventory – a slick (no pun intended) and efficient one, maybe done at work or in the car

Spanking the monkey – the kind of fun and frolicking wank of simpler times, like during the summers of youth in the pond at camp.

‘batin’ – done while drunk

Jacking It – done because it needs to be done

Stroking  – done because you care

Hate bate – done for strictly nefarious and creepy reasons.  Probably the most likely reason to be jerking in a CVS parking lot