The 100 Orgasms-A-Day Man

 

 

Science tells us that everyone likes an orgasm, probably.  They’re generally well-received according to our research into orgasms on film.  However, there has to be a tipping point.  A point at which you’ve just had too many orgasms and enough is enough.  Theoretically, anyway.

Imagine being Dale Decker, a Wisconsin man whose junk just won’t stop walking on sunshine.   Decker fell out of a chair one day, as people are sometimes wont to do, and slipped a disc in his back.  Apparently that disc slipped right into his happy place and the result is that he can’t stop having disruptive orgasms that are ruining his life.  How many orgasms does it take to ruin your life?  100 a day!  That’s a lot of orgasms.  He must nap constantly.  When he’s not orgasming.

The story as we found it also contains this soul-stirring passage;

“I was in line at the grocery store once and as I got to the front I dropped to my knees and had an orgasm,” UKNW quotes the former telecom company office manager.

“I was yelping. It was horrendous. When it was over I looked around and about 150 people all stood looking at me in disgust.”

Oh man, that’s damn near Shakespearean in its prose.  It also means Decker’s one of those creepy dudes you see in porn who squeals like a wounded coyote and has a full body freak out, which women can’t find attractive at all. 

“Imagine being at your father’s funeral, beside his casket, and you have nine orgasms,” he said. “There’s nothing pleasurable in it. You’re disgusted by it.”

 

 

He just wants a limp french fry.

Again, the prose and imagery in this story is overwhelmingly delightful.  You stayed next to the casket for 9 orgasms?  Maybe he thought he’d be OK to power through one or two, but 9?  Why 9?  Is he just flopping on the floor and screaming at his boner at that point?  That’s not dignified at all. 

Isn’t this awful?  Well, as it happens, the story comes to us from Barcroft Media, the same media company that has brought us nearly every over-the-top tabloid story of the past several years, plus the odd sensational video about a human freakshow.  Which isn’t to say it’s not genuine, just that Barcroft has been accused of shady tactics in the past and was even sued by the recipient of the world’s first face transplant due to their harassment and received a restraining order against them just to leave him alone.

Whatever the case, be glad it’s not you.  Anything more than 30 a day is just a waste.