I was going to make an "ass-to-mouth" joke, but I took the high road.
It's easy to feel sorry for someone whose drunken antics end up making the news. After all, most of us have had our fair share of alcohol-induced regrets. That said, very few of us have drunkenly wandered into a bar and tried to screw an ATM machine. But that's what Lonnie Hutton allegedly did last Friday.
According to witnesses, Hutton, 49, entered the Boro Bar and Grill in Murfreesboro, TN, exposed his genitals, and "attempted to have sexual intercourse with a cash machine." He "then began to walk 'nude' around the bar thrusting his hips in the air" until he was escorted outside, where he "engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table."
I guess he's not afraid of splinters.
Police claim Hutton "smelled of booze, had bloodshot eyes, and had slurred speech," which is actually a good thing, considering he tried to f*ck a table. This story would be even more embarrassing if he'd been stone-cold sober.
Hutton was charged with public intoxication and reportedly remains in jail in lieu of $250 bond. You'd think a guy who's screwing an ATM machine would be able to come up with $250, but perhaps the machine is pissed about his tryst with the table and won't give him any money. (Source)
More cushion for the pushin'.
While Hutton's escapade is certainly bizarre, it's not exactly unique. A Wisconsin man named Gerard Streator served five months in prison after pleading guilty to having sex with a couch. Don't worry; the couch was on the side of a public road. What you do with a couch in the privacy of your own home is between you and your god. (Source)
Remember this when you see presidential candidates kissing Ohio's ass.
In 2008, Ohioan Art Price Jr. was sentenced to six months after admitting to having sex with the umbrella hole of a metal picnic table. The fact that the incident took place outdoors on a deck near a school didn't help matters. But in all fairness to Price, he cleaned the table afterward, which proves he's probably a decent enough guy. (Source)
Seriously, what the hell, Ohio?
And while we're at it, let's not forget fellow Ohioan Edwin Tobergta, who was arrested late-last year and sentenced to 11 months for having sex with an inflatable pool raft in public. It was the second time he'd been arrested for sex with a raft, which shows he's consistent. He was also arrested for having sex with an inflatable pumpkin back in 2002, because sex with a regular pumpkin is just gross.
At his sentencing, Tobergta was contrite.
"I do want to apologize for my actions, I'm sorry," he said. "I'm ready to get my life together and quit all this nonsense."
For the record, if he does get his life back on track, Break.com is always looking for new interns. (Source)