Minnesota Man Arrested For Ejaculating Into Female Coworker’s Coffee

It can be a sticky situation when trying to ignite an office romance. Most would agree there are certain rules of engagement when propositioning a co-worker for a date. However, 34-year-old Minnesota hardware store employee John Lind ignored these unwritten rules and came up with his own clever way of attracting the attention of a lady co-worker. He ejaculated into her coffee. Twice. And four more times on her desk. To be fair it sounds like he was into the desk more than her.

They canceled the episode where Jim left Pam a “present.”

Hey ISIS, let’s make a deal. You get to decapitate all of the infidels you want, but we get to decide which ones. Here is your first candidate!

They say third time’s a charm; and she sure did notice him, when she caught him standing over her desk with his hands on his crotch, turning around and looking at her “like a deer in the headlights.” He told her he just came in her office to ask her a question, but she wasn’t buying it as there was clearly liquid dripping off the desk and onto the floor.  He later admitted to police that he used the woman’s hair scrunchies to swab up his man- mess from the desk. He also said he “knew it was gross and wrong.” Yet he couldn’t help himself.

[[contentId: 2755626| | style: height:266px; width:400px]]

I’ll Have a Sugar, No Cream.

After staring at a computer for hours, several cups of coffee is the only way I can make it through the day so I can go home and stare at a television. What I’m saying is coffee is sacred, and I can imagine that this pervert ruined it for this woman for the rest of her life. She said she thought her coffee tasted funny several times, but thought it was just coffee creamer gone bad. When the cops told her it was in fact Lind’s semen, she responded “I knew it.”

Next time you suspect someone of jizzing in your Folgers, you might want to mention it. If there is a serial coffee jizzer on the loose – the public needs to know. Just saying.

[[contentId: 2755627| ]]

Lind had approached her with his zipper down many times and she thought about reporting him to HR. Now he faces a possible year in jail and a $4,500 fine for criminal sexual conduct. When he gets out of prison he’ll be looking for a new job. Let’s hope Starbucks isn’t hiring.

Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney