Olive Garden drew first blood. Alan Martin drew the rest.
The Italian chain forced the minister and father of two’s hand by offering the Never Ending Pasta Pass, but they could never have imagined the carnage he would rain on them. As one of the 1,000 people who purchased the $100 Pass, Martin has eaten two meals a day at Olive Garden for the past five weeks. In that time, he’s eaten 95 bowls of pasta, which would equal over $1,500. Why couldn’t they have left well enough alone? Obviously the execs at the Garden assumed any normal man would have died long before now, but Alan Martin is no normal man. Like, obviously. he’s eaten two meals a day at Olive Garden for over a month. That’s ridiculous.
Martin saucelust is unstoppable. He’s a man on a mission and once he’s been activated, there is no failure. Says Martin, “I would love to be the person that’s eaten the most out of the 1,000 people—you know, that’d be a good contest to win.” No remorse. No compassion. No concern for his arteries, colon, heart, liver, family, mental well being or his town’s plumbing.
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Imagine this, times 100.
A local news affiliate reports that Martin has not gained any weight since beginning his never-ending pasta diet. It’s unclear which fitness chain he is exploiting for a free membership, nor is the identity of the crossroads demon that he tried to pay with a coupon. It’s possible Martin goes home and regurgitates his meals for a family of bird creatures he made as another affront to God that is only slightly less offensive than his pasta crusade, but that’s another story for another day.
At any rate, don’t expect Olive Garden to back down. When you’re in there, you’re family. And only a fool takes on “the Family.” Although, it’s one man versus one-jundred, there’s one week left in the promotion. It’s expected that Martin will tear his local Olive Garden to the ground and salt the earth so nothing will ever grow there again. Except maybe a Red Lobster.