5 Weird Addictions Worse Than Google Glass

Any clinical psychologist will tell you that anything with a tangible reward can become addictive. We’re basically all just test monkeys in a mad scientist’s lab where pushing the right button earns you food and pushing the wrong button earns you an electric shock to the testicles in the hopes that you’ll learn an important lesson. 

Our brains are very susceptible to pleasure and warm feelings like curling up in bed on a cold morning or the intoxicating smell of a freshly baked batch of cinnamon buns. They become addictions when your brain is so addicted to the feeling that it implores you to move to Alaska so you can spend all day sleeping on a giant, freshly baked cinnamon bun. 

Of course, the march of technology and new innovations can only serve to contribute our inner crack addicts. This week Scientists announced the first clinical addiction diagnosis for Google Glass, the computer glasses that can more efficiently let everyone know you’re a soulless hipster without having to join an adult kickball league. It’s just the latest in a long line of new and strange addiction magnets. 

1. Inhalants 

Huffing spray cans and other liquids that give off euphoric inducing fumes isn’t the newest addiction but it caught on so fast that science really hasn’t had much time to study it. The National Institute of Health estimates that more than 22 million Americans age 12 older have huffed something out of a can to get a quick high and that number has grown by 750,000 with each passing year. 

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Or He Went Down On C-3PO?

They call it “the forgotten epidemic” since it’s “the least-studied form of substance abuse.” That’s probably because they still can’t stop laughing from the most famous case of inhalant abuse back in 2005 when police in Ohio caught Patrick Tribett treating himself to a lovely bouquet of gold spray paint that led to a famous mugshot with a golden frowny face. 

2. Health Food 

It’s hard to imagine anyone becoming addicted to a style of food that can be confusing with chewing compost or grass clippings. However, anything can develop into an addiction and people are known to developing an unhealthy relationship with health food. It’s known as “orthoexia” or developing an obsession to eating a completely pure diet free to chemical additives or unwanted preservatives. 

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You Should See What She Can Do With Vegtables: Make A Great Smoothie

The effects of this addiction has more to do with social interactions since people who are addicted to achieving a pure diet will fear that eating at someone’s house or even going out for a bite with friends will take away control of the food they put in their bodies. It can also develop feelings of alienation because no one likes sitting next to some tofu snorting zealot who claims that everything that tastes good will kill you. 

3. Teeth Whitening 

Teeth bleaching isn’t just for models, game show hosts and politicians with souls so black that they stain the color of their smiles. Anyone can achieve the brightest of smiles thanks to over the counter treatments and remedies that are sold by almost every major dental health brand. This widespread availability and our natural fears of physical inadequacy has pushed some to develop strange addictions to keeping their teeth as bright and shiny as possible also known as “bleachorexia”. Maybe the guy who names addictions was out sick that day.

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The result of extreme teeth whitening: extreme closeups!

Over-bleaching one’s teeth can cause receding gum lines, weakened teeth and reduced enamel. It can also reduce visibility to the people around you if you’re talking to someone on a particularly sunny day. 

4. Funerals 

Funeral addiction isn’t as widespread as teeth bleaching or inhalants but the rise of the information age and communication has made it a bit easier for those with a penchant for attending services to get their fix. 

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The sequal to Wedding Crashers wasn’t as popular.

A man in Brazil started going to strangers’ funerals since 1983 when his father died and ever since then, he reads up on death notices so he can crash the funeral. A woman in Namibia also wrote to her local paper asking how she could stop her husband from crashing funerals on the weekend. We suggest falling in love with an old, vibrant woman named Maude. 

5. Netflix 

It is easier than ever to watch TV shows and movies. Sites like Hulu, Crackle and Netflix have just about every media property your little heart desires and there are no late fees to worry about or reasons to care about rewinding for the next dumb schmuck who’s willing to give Tyler Perry just one more chance. 

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Naturally, binge-watching has developed into an addiction for some but not enough to develop into a clinical addiction with some unimaginative name like “watchorexia” or “Netflexia”. However, watching too much TV can create long-term health problems because such a habit can lead to a sedentary lifestyle. So technically, the next season of “House of Cards” could become the new Ebola.