Sex Slave To A Three-Breasted Woman!

Remember Jasmine Tridevil?  Seems like only last week we were making fun of her pretend 3rd boob and looking at her pretend 3rd boob and daydreaming about real 3rd boobs, all thanks to her.  Those were simpler times.  Sunny times.  But now the sky has turned ashen and grey for a more insidious tale of our 3 boobed matron has surfaced.  Like, more insidious than when we told you that 3rd boob was just a prosthetic.  Looks like ol’ Three Boobies is a sex slaver.

Now before going any further, please appreciate that probably no one has ever written the sentence that ended the previous paragraph before.  That’s how monumental this is.  According to 18 year old Michael Squier, who shared his story with paragon of journalism The Sun, Triple Nipple tied him to a post and flogged him, made him wear a dog collar, had her name tattooed on his foot and then carved her name into his chest with a knife.

Tridevil denies these claims and says he was just a regular slave and she never cut him at all, he did it to himself, and all I have to say is – pics or it didn’t happen.  If you have someone’s name in your chest and on your foot and you go to the press about it, wouldn’t you show them?  Wouldn’t they have a picture of that?  Because that’s pretty damning.

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Nice scrubby, wanker.

Also, and maybe the fundamentals have bene lost in the story, but a tattoo?  Did she drug him and do it herself?  That’s the only way something like that would work, unless she somehow had him so intimidated that she took him to a tattoo shop and got him to pretend he wanted it the whole time, which seems odd given the story we’re supposed to believe her.

So for the second week in a row, I call BS on the Jiggle Triplets.  I call this story false in every sense.  There was no sex slave, no victimization and no assault with a knife which would at least produce a photo that I could then make fun of for being obviously fake at well, just like her third juggie.

What we have here is a woman, who sticks by her story, incidentally., that she had surgery and that her 3rd breast is real, desperately working up a new ploy to stay relevant.  To what end, though?  Remember Giovanna Plowman from a few years back, the girl who ate her own used tampon in a Youtube video?  Is that what fame means to people now?  You become a human freakshow and because, by nature, we like to point and laugh we do so, and you think you’ve won or achieved something?

She seem like a flogger to you?

Maybe all those late night comedians have skewed America’s understanding of celebrity.  We deride Pairs Hilton and Kim Kardashian for being famous for no reason (and rightly, of course) but it makes other people who don’t have that stack of money to stand on think they can do it, too?  Is that what’s going on?  Just some random dingus with a triple boob prosthetic who desperately wants to be famous and has literally no game plan whatsoever, who will be a footnote in the history of September 2014, less relevant than Antoine Dodson or Kai the Hitchiker to people in the year 2015 and beyond?

Lady, here’s Break’s guide to internet infamy in a quick and digestible form.  And trust us, because we’ve been doing this for years – we’ve seen every meme, every viral star, every flash in the pan and 15 minutes of fame, every Chris Crocker, every Horse, every Rebecca Black and Technoviking there is to see.  If you want to be someone, do something.  No one cares about football in the groin guy, he could have been anyone.  No one cares about 3 boobs girl, she could be anyone.  You have to actually do something interesting and be able to continue to be interesting before anyone gives a shit.  That’s why you’ll see videos by Pranks vs Prank consistently, Roman Atwood, Stuart Edge and more Youtube stars because they kepot giving an audience something to watch.

So Jasmine Tridevil, I want you to grab a hula hoop and learn how to spin it around your 3rd boob.  Or make your 3rd boob do insightful political comedy.  Or something.  Anything.  But until you do that, you’re just a desperately fake, sad lady carrying a sweaty, fake boob around, and that’s lame.  Cut it out