The Man Who Died At 'Burning Man' Did So In A Comically Predictable Way

We all have dark days where we can barely get out of bed, days where our thoughts get the best of us and we contemplate doing the unspeakable -- ending it all by running directly into a towering bonfire effigy modeled after a character from “Where The Wild Things Are.” Wait, you don’t? Oh. Umm. Me neither.

But a guy in Utah obviously had those thoughts, because he did exactly that over the weekend.

The sanctioned regional Burning Man festival event, Element 11 ironically lived up to its name when attendees witnessed a man push his way through the safety perimeter and jump directly into the 2,000-degree bonfire. That’s roughly the same temperature as two McDonald’s coffees.

Part of Element 11’s mission statement describes the gathering as “a volunteer-based non-profit organization with the mission to ignite a culture of creativity & self-expression! We provide a canvas for our community to play, dance, evolve, create & ignite.” Mission accomplished.

I bet he was a Pink Floyd fan.

Christopher Wallace told the community of radically self-expressive artists, creators, innovators, do-ers, and participants who see art in all forms, in all ways, and in all people, of his intentions before the innovative, self-expressive do-er dove into the flame.

Firefighters attempted to save Wallace by dousing the blaze, but their efforts were hampered by a really fat raver who was sleeping on the hose.

"It wasn't an accident or any act of negligence on anybody's part," said a spokesman for Element 11, who doesn't view a 2,000-degree bonfire in the middle of a drug orgy as negligent. "He had a very deliberate objective to get past our volunteers, past our safety perimeter."

Police have reported that it is unknown whether drugs or alcohol were involved in the unfortunate incident. I’ll go on record making the statement that both were involved.