If you’ve been following the saga of Malaysian Airlines flight 370 you know there is no shortage of wild speculation getting thrown around. The only thing we know for certain is that either 239 people perished aboard the plane, or are now being held captive for some unknown reason. Some theories as to what could have led to either of these outcomes include a cabin fire, a pilot suicide, or a hijacking. We know it wasn’t the Taliban because those sweet guys already said, “we wish it was us.” The search thus far has included resources from over 25 countries covering an area the size of Australia. However, someone should tell the navy to bring those ships home because ’90s leftover, Courtney Love, has found the plane! The evidence is right here on her Facebook page!
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“But what do I know?” Well, idiot, now that you bring it up, you don’t know where the plane is. But okay, if it turns out that Courtney is right, we should all agree to stop perpetuating the conspiracy that she had something to do with Kurt Cobain’s suicide. And if it turns out that Courtney is wrong, we can continue thinking she’s stupid. Speaking of stupid, let’s look at some of the other intriguing theories the Internet has put together over the past week.
The Bermuda Triangle…. In Vietnam
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The Bermuda Triangle is the legendary area off the coast of Florida where dozens of planes and ships supposedly disappeared. However, this legend of vessels disappearing unexplainedly was really just a viral myth created by people before the Internet when bullshit had it way, way easier.
One super-sensitive Malaysian politician tweeted his theory that “New Bermuda Triangle detected in Vietnam waters, well-equipped sophisticated devices are of no use!” Some agreed with him, suggesting that the area in the Vietnam waters where the flight 370 could have crashed is on the direct opposite side of the globe as The Bermuda Triangle. The only problem with that is that the Bermuda Triangle is in the North Atlantic and the search area in Vietnam is opposite the Caribbean. This moronic theory really only shows that they’re not good at reading maps in Malaysia, which sort of does explain why they haven’t found the plane yet.
The NSA Took Out the Plane Because: Snowden!
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Someone wake up Alex Jones from his rage induced hallucination nap because it looks like flight 370 was an inside job! The Reddit user Dark_Spectre has unleashed a damning theory that accuses American authorities of taking out the plane in order to silence technology experts working with the NSA. In revelations supposedly made by National Security Agency leaker Edward Snowden, technology giant IBM has been working with the NSA for mass storage aggregation. Here’s the shocker: its Technical Storage Executive for Malaysia was aboard flight 370, in addition to 20 employees of an American company that develops embedded smart phone technology and deals in defense contracting. The US government found out that these tech workers/ secret NSA spies were to be arrested when they landed… for espionage. So the theory here is that the US government decided to make an entire jetliner vanish instead of letting tech workers fall into the hands of Chinese authorities. Seems… crazy? Impossibly dumb? So maybe it was our government.
Some have suggested that a meteor hit the plane, which in turn could have caused a fire, depressurizing the cabin and rendering the pilots and passengers unconscious. Perhaps after the plane was hit, the pilots were attempting to turn the plane around for an emergency landing before they passed out. While this may not account for the communications systems being turned off or the fact that it appears that the plane flew for another seven hours, it’s worth considering. The same theory was floated for the missing Air France flight 447 in 2009 and someone actually did the calculations to show that out of the 3000 meteors that hit Earth each day, vs the time that an aircraft is in the air, there is roughly a 1 in a billion chance of an airplane being hit by a meteor. Which is to say it’s not impossible, but almost everything that has ever been is more likely.
The Youtube user DAHBOO77 has uncovered the alien cover-up. While governments from around the world are studying radar and satellite data from the night 370 went missing, it seems they missed or are covering up the UFO right there on the screen! As flight 370 makes its way across Malaysia, another “unidentified” craft appears on radar, at first not even registering as an airplane, then proceeds out to sea, traveling twice as fast as the other planes in the area. Then, just as flight 370 makes it to the point where it vanishes from radar, the unidentified craft “stalls out”- appearing to stop mid-air in the middle of the ocean, while pointing toward flight 370! Then it too vanishes! Dun, dun, dun! This could only lead to one conclusion: there is nothing crazy people can’t blame on space aliens.
Let’s Do The Time Warp
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When an aircraft of a ship disappears the first thing to pop into many people’s minds is that the vessel must have passed through a time warp, transporting it either into the past or the future. Such an event is central to the classic film “The Philadelphia Experiment” in which a modern aircraft carrier is sent back in time to World War II. For flight 370 perhaps the plane will appear in the sky one day over Beijing as if nothing happened. The worst part about the Time Warp Theory is not that it’s completely ridiculous, but how you now have that stupid Rocky Horror Picture Show song in your head. Or maybe it was the Langoliers…
This guy sums up pretty nicely, exactly what we do know about the missing plane.
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