Making Love #3: The Break Love Advice Column

Thought to ponder: Do you think morning wood is an evolutionary development to prevent men from rolling out of bed and onto the hard floor in the mornings? Sort of like nature’s kickstand?

Bobby-Simpson-564 asks, “Stores are already selling Valentine’s Day stuff and it bums be out. I’ll be alone again and I hate seeing all the superficial, company-driven drivel being sold to the unassuming hordes. What do you suggest for someone like me on this holiday?”

Purchase a ton of Valentine’s chocolates and bears and all that stuff. Then, set it up around your house. Next, hire a prostitute and bring her over. When she enters your place, she’ll see everything and not really know how to react. Then, spend the rest of the night treating her like your mom that just passed away (even if you mom is alive, do this). The next few hours will be SO weird and awkward for her and you’ll just laugh about it a ton once she leaves.

Then, you’ll cry. You’ll cry a lot.

Women love jokes like this.


SarSarSarah asks, “How do I know if a man is in a relationship just for sex or for me?”

Just ask him. Men never lie.*

RickyRobz asks, “What foods are best to bring into the bed?”

Women love kettle chips. Just crush some of those up and rub on her stomach and butt. Then eat them off, smacking loudly.

Next, slices of cheese. Remove them from the packaging (don’t dispose, you’ll need those momentarily). Put the pieces in-between her toes then rub your penis over them in a sweeping motion. It’ll get her really, really hot.

Once done, but the cheese back in the packaging and back in the refrigerator. When you both see them the next morning, you’ll have a good laugh. However, don’t eat them.

One last thing before you both begin to make love: chocolate syrup. Empty a whole bottle out on the bed then jump in. TRUST US, you’ll love it.

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Yeah… hot…

rti65larp asks, “My wife farts in her sleep. It’s disgusting. How should I approach this situation without upsetting her?”

You have two options:

The first is sitting her down and just being honest about it. Many people have night toots and it is nothing to be ashamed of. She will be embarrassed but will also appreciate your honestly.

The second is to superglue her butt closed. While the quickest and easiest, it’s also the most likely to get you divorced and arrested.

Choose wisely.

Avid Break user and lover MumifsaViking asks, “When do you get the idea for for this appalling badly written dross?

It was back in graduate school. Professor Summers asked us all a profound question. See, Professor Summers was an amazing professor.

He had studied in over 20 colleges worldwide. He had seen places we’ve only read about: the markets in India, the Great Wall Of China, the streets of Bangladesh, Boise, Idaho… all of it. He was a deep man and a huge influence on every student he came in contact with. He was so popular that his classes always had waiting lists with hundreds of students trying to get in and many left out.

I was lucky enough to get into his class on my third try. I could not wait to attend, to learn, to dream about living. He brought out a hope in every student that is difficult to describe but so easy to dream about.

One day, he challenged us to do something extreme: waste life. He said to just waste it all and that might lead to some sort of expanded mind that we cannot understand until we achieve it.

I took that advice and am now succeeding at it today.

Turns out, Professor Summers was addicted to PCP and had destroyed quite a bit of his brain at that point. But you know? I think his advice is still pretty great.

Now, if you don’t mind, I have to look into a prostitute to hire on Valentine’s Day.


*Yes we do.