Making Love #2: The Break Love Advice Column

Everyone says love is blind, but that doesn’t make much sense. If love were blind, then how can it always find us? Does love have a blind walking stick? And if it does, what is the walking stick a metaphor for?

See what we’re saying? Love is so hard that even its metaphors are hard to decipher. Maybe that’s what makes it so great when you find it. Maybe love is like taking pictures of Pokemon in Pokemon Snap: it’s difficult and take a while, but when you get all the pics, it feels great. Then, you get to go to Blockbuster to print the pics, but it’s out of business so you can’t. Love is stupid.

Philiptime6 asks, “I’m really shy and have a hard time approaching ladies and I’m really ashamed. Is there something I can do to help with my situation?”

You don’t have to be ashamed of your shyness, Philip. Most guys experience this type of shyness. And if they say they don’t, that’s because they are probably super hot and cool dudes who spend their days commenting on articles exclaiming how they aren’t shy.

What you need is a puppy. Puppies are a great ice breaker. Just get a super cute puppy and go to a park. Women love puppies. They’ll approach you to pet and ask questions about it and boom! You’re talking to a lady and getting a great start.

However, once the puppy gets to six months, get rid of it and start over. You want young, fresh puppies. After six months, they start losing that magnetism and you don’t want to deal with that.

“I hope I can find a nice lady for my owner before I’m brutally murdered!”

RonnieDuce45 asks, “What is the perfect breakfast to make my lady after she spends the night for the first time?”

Ronnie, your head is in the right place. Just because she stayed the night doesn’t mean you’ve won the war. Wooing a lady takes a lifetime and you must always be a step ahead.

Breakfast the next morning should be huge because you need to see if you wore her out the night before. Make a large steak, five eggs, five strips of bacon, two links of sausage, and a hearty stack of pancakes. If she eats it all, then you did a good job! If she doesn’t eat much, then you failed as a man.

Also, sneak a Plan B pill in pancakes just for safe measure.

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Feeding sausages to women is great because they look like penises, lawlz.

Dan-Fisher-654 asks, “I’ve been thinking about asking my girlfriend to get married. Recently, I’ve been following her everywhere to make sure she isn’t cheating on me. Well, she found me one day and got real mad. Now, she says we were never even dating and she doesn’t even know me and that I’m a stalker and all the underwear I have of hers is stolen. Where did I go wrong?”

It happens, Dan. Sometimes you fall in love so hard that you forget the person of your affections doesn’t actually know you. Tough break, buddy.

My advice to you is to try to get to know her better. Tell her your name, what you do for a living, your interests, all that stuff. But only with lawyers present because there’s a good chance you’re going to jail.

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Dat hat.

Margie-Paulson-98 asks, “My husband is a compulsive gambler and I’m pregnant with our first baby and I don’t know what to do. He’s constantly betting on things, losing money, winning money, never wanting to stop. Our relationship is terrible because we fight about it all the time. I don’t know how to stop him and I’m worried he’s going to lose our family savings! I’m so scared. What do I do?”

Margie, it’s simple: bet your baby. Make a bet that you’re most likely to lose, like bet for the Lakers to win any basketball game. Once you lose your baby, then your husband will see the evils of compulsive gambling and you two can start to patch things up.

Break superfan Netalus says, “Can’t wait for the next one on the perfect martini for the party you got those great shoes for!

Thanks for reading, Netalus, but sadly, that type of advice won’t be found in this column. You’re looking for a column about partying and fashion. We suggest you ask your mom where to find those columns. She’s often reading them in the mornings when I wake up next to her.

On another note, your dad gets really awkward when I sleep in between them.