For Sale: Premium Liquor Poured Over The Breasts Of Playboy Models (Seriously)

What beverage immediately springs to mind when I mention a young woman’s full breasts?

Well, it you’re two years old, probably milk and please stop reading But if you’ve been browsing the website of liquor brand G-Spirits, it’s likely rum, vodka, and whiskey, as those are the three intoxicants shown being poured over the ample rack of nude models right before being bottled. Yes, every drop of the top-tier tipples on offer at G-Spirits has been carefully decanted over the bare breasts of a model prior to bottling. We’re talking premium gazongas, too, like those affixed to 2012 Hungarian Playmate of the year Alexa Varga.

Or pop these in your mouth:

Is breast-sluiced hooch not your thing? Well, if you’re concerned it’s unsanitary, remember that hard alcohol is basically antiseptic. Regardless, here are some celeb-branded liquors you might enjoy instead:

MANSINTHE BY MARILYN MANSON — Absinthe is a high-proof alcohol fermented using wormwood and reputed to have mild hallucinogenic properties, which it most certainly does not, unless we’re now counting “beer goggles” as truly tripping out. Shock-rocker and  “avid absintheur” Marilyn Manson has his own brand, Mansinthe, for sale. Drink it while listening to “Irresponsible Hate Anthem” on headphone for MAXIMUM EFFECT (headache).

SIZZURP BY CAM’RON — Cam’Ron is best known for rapping, appearing on 60 Minutes to discuss the code of “no snitching” with Anderson Cooper, and, either ironically or appropriately, helping to popularize the disclaimer “no homo.” In 2007, he introduced Sizzurp to the liquor game, an alcoholic beverage named after the prescription cough syrup-and-Sprite blend popular among Southern rappers. While no longer commercially available, surely there must be several unopened bottles out there you can buy and send to our offices.

DAVE MATTHEWS WINE BY YOU KNOW WHO — Here, let me try to describe this wine using the name of every Dave Matthews song I can actually stand to listen to the whole way through: “Crash” into flavor with Dreaming Tree Wine from the singer of “Crash.” Of course, don’t operate a vehicle while doing so, or you might “crash” your car into a brick wall, just like I’m always tempted to whenever a Dave Matthews song other than “Crash” somehow manages to get on my radio.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE’S SAUZA 901 TEQUILA A triple-filtered blue agave tequila from the guy who played Sean Parker in The Social Network. If you enjoy it, make sure to check out Lance Bass’s Summer In Provincetown brand wine coolers featuring flavors like White Party Pink Lemonde and Grape Butyl Nitrate. 


Here’s a weird one.  You know that vodka sold in a crystal head that you always see on the top shelf when you go into a specialty liquor store to buy Popov and Newports? What celebrity would you think owns the aptly-named Crystal Head Vodka? Travis Barker? Dita Von Teese? Kat Von D? Someone in Slipknot? If I told you it’s someone from Ghostbusters, wouldn’t you guess Sigourney Weaver before Dan Aykroyd? Well, that’s who owns it. Dan Aykroyd.

HANSON’S MMMHOPS — Slam dunk on the no-brainer name, gentlemen. The trio responsible for pop masterpiece “MMMBop,” now brings you this American Pale Ale which weighs in at a hefty 7.5% alcohol. It currently has an abysmal score of 16 over at, but given how many people refused to acknowledge that both “MMMBop” and the album it appeared on, Middle of Nowhere, are flawless works of high art it’s likely the imbibers refuse to admit this is good. Haters, man. So many haters.


Ludacris is an American film and television actor who recently appeared on The Mindy Project.