Lena Dunham Has Me Rethinking The First Amendment


Yeah, she’s at it again.

 

Lena Dunham has become almost impossible to ignore. If you spend a lot of time on social media, that is. I know that she is on a television show, but her fame seems disproportionate to the almost nonexistent popularity of said show. I live in Los Angeles and follow tens of thousands of voracious consumers of TV on Twitter, and have yet to meet anyone who has ever watched so much as one episode of “Girls.” Contrast that with “The Walking Dead,” a show I can’t stand but still know everything about because Twitter and Facebook never shut up about it. So her TV gig can’t be the reason for her omnipresence in entertainment media. 

The only explanation I have been able to formulate for Dunham’s celebrity has to do with karmic payback for something America did in the past. Probably Jimmy Carter. We could be paying for Slappy McPeanutfarmer for millennia to come. The first wave of punishment seems to be having to read or hear about every brain fart Lena Dunham has. 

It would be one thing if she were tweeting each disturbing thing that passes through her brain. The entertainment media, however, seems to find out everything she feels and immediately reports on it. It is as if they all assign reporters to gather in her living room, fighting for space among cats and pizza boxes to sit at her feet and report each fleeting gem that issues forth from her obviously disturbed brain. 

Sure, sometimes Dunham does write about her never ending creepiness, which she’ll then milk for publicity on Twitter after civilized society predictably reacts with horror: 

The entertainment press is just obsessed with her though. How else would you explain this headline

Halloween Costumes 2016: What Beyonce, Lena Dunham, Heidi Klum, and More Celebrities Wore


Honestly, until about a year ago I thought Lena Dunham was a costume. 

 

Throwing Dunham in with Beyonce and Heidi Klum is like putting anchovies (which are more entertaining than Lena Dunham, btw) on a banana split. It’s gross even if you like anchovies. If you don’t like anchovies, it’s basically the reaction 99% of America had to that headline. That Sesame Street song “One Of These Things (is Not Like The Others)” has been doing earworm duty since I read it.

After a couple of years, the Outrageous Dunhamism of the Day became like background white noise to me. I thought I’d finally freed myself from being aware of anything having to do with Lena Dunham and vaginas ever again. 

Turns out I was just drinking a lot at the end of 2016. I wasn’t blocking her out so much as simply blacking out. 

The new year hit and it was “new me” time so I laid off the sauce for a while and that’s where it all went to hell. Last week, while minding my business, as well as the business of several hundred people on Twitter, this crowbarred its way into my awareness:

Nobody wants to know about Lena Dunham’s period. Ever. At all. Her gynecologist is probably even a little icked out by it at this point. This really makes me yearn for the days when everyone incorrectly thought Twitter was just about sharing what you were having for lunch. We know everything about Lena Dunham BUT what she is having for lunch on a given day. 

Probably vagina, SINCE THAT’S ALL SHE EVER SEEMS TO TALK ABOUT. 

Lena Dunham has now accomplished something that I never thought possible: she’s making me rethink my lifelong, devout commitment to our First Amendment rights. 

I mean, free speech was a lot less irritating when it only came in actual speech form or via a letter that a horse had to spend a couple of days bringing to you. People were a little more judicious with subject matter then, based on the letters that have survived. The language was more thoughtful and much less vagina-y. In fact, people weren’t allowed to just throw a -y on the end of a word and act like it meant something. But here we are. All because of Lena Dunham. 

And I am fairly certain that freedom of the press was not meant for updates on celebrity menstruation. If even a small contingent from the Constitutional Convention were able to come through in a time machine and spend a night reading Lena Dunham Vagina Twitter they’d go back and outlaw journalism. 

At this point, the First Amendment isn’t in danger from anyone in Washington as much as it’s vulnerable to a popular uprising from the common folk who finally snap one night after an entertainment site tweets something disturbing about Lena Dunham, a hedge trimmer and a baby koala bear she just slathered in coconut oil. 

Twitter has been banning people for political reasons a lot lately. Maybe it’s time they ban all Lena Dunham tweets for mental health reasons. 

The mental health of people who can’t even with her va-jay-jay anymore.

 

Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world.