A few hours ago, LeBron James announced his plans to return to Cleveland, the city he seemingly spurned in 2010. James made his announcement via a first-person narrated essay to Sports Illustrated. We’ve spent the past few hours using our Break.com supercomputer (the same computer that sets all our videos to auto-play) to deconstruct the letter in order to give you a more honest look at what James is trying to say. Here is the letter, with our results added in bold brackets. Enjoy. And congrats to the city of Cleveland. I personally wouldn’t let someone who treated me like dirt come back into my life. But hey, it worked for Hillary Clinton. Maybe it will work for you to!
If LeBron James’ “Letter” Was Honest
Before anyone ever cared where I would play basketball, I was a kid from Northeast Ohio.
[I WAS ONCE POOR AND STUPID, LIKE YOU!]
It’s where I walked. It’s where I ran. It’s where I cried. It’s where I bled. It holds a special place in my heart.
[I WAS ARBITRARILY BORN IN A CERTAIN LOCATION. I HAD NO CONTROL OVER IT, AND I WAS FORCED TO LIVE THERE UNTIL I WAS NO LONGER POOR.]
People there have seen me grow up. I sometimes feel like I’m their son.
[EXCEPT MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT ME LEAVING ARE WHITE, SO I GUESS I’M MORE OF AN ADOPTED SON.]
Their passion can be overwhelming.
[AND A BIT DICKISH AT TIMES.]
But it drives me. I want to give them hope when I can. I want to inspire them when I can. My relationship with Northeast Ohio is bigger than basketball. I didn’t realize that four years ago. I do now.
[FOUR YEARS AGO, I HAD A BAD PR TEAM. TODAY, I NEED A PR MAKEOVER.]
Remember when I was sitting up there at the Boys & Girls Club in 2010?
[REMEMBER THE MOMENT I TURNED INTO A BEING OF PURE EVIL AND WAS INSTANTLY HATED BY EVERYONE OUTSIDE OF MIAMI?]
I was thinking, This is really tough. I could feel it.
[IT’S REALLY TOUGH TO LEAVE A RUSTBELT CITY FOR SUNNY MIAMI.]
If I had to do it all over again, I’d obviously do things differently…
[I’D HIRE A BETTER PR TEAM.]
…but I’d still have left.
[CLEVELAND DOES NOT ROCK. IT’S PRETTY AWFUL.]
Miami, for me, has been almost like college for other kids.
[EXCEPT I DIDN’T HAVE TO STUDY, AND I MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS INSTEAD OF ACQUIRING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN DEBT.]
These past four years helped raise me into who I am.
[ARGUABLY THE MOST HATED MAN IN SPORTS.]
I went to Miami because of D-Wade and CB.
[“DWYANE WADE” AND “CHRIS BOSH” FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN’T KEEP UP WITH A THREE-STEP HANDSHAKE.]
We made sacrifices to keep UD.
[NOBODY CALLS UDONIS HASLEM THAT. NOW I’M JUST F*CKING WITH YOU.]
I loved becoming a big bro to Rio.
[AN ANIMATED PARROT, IF MEMORY SERVES]
I believed we could do something magical if we came together. And that’s exactly what we did!
[BY “CAME TOGETHER,” I MEAN BOSH AND I EIFFEL-TOWERED A SOUTH BEACH STRIPPER NAMED “MAGIC.”]
The hardest thing to leave is what I built with those guys.
[A VAST NETWORK OF COLOMBIAN COKE MULES AND HIGH-END ESCORTS.]
I’m not having a press conference or a party.
[AGAIN, BECAUSE I NOW HAVE A BETTER PR TEAM.]
When I left Cleveland, I was on a mission.
[A MISSION TO PISS OFF EVERYONE IN OHIO!]
I was seeking championships, and we won two. But Miami already knew that feeling. Our city hasn’t had that feeling in a long, long, long time.
[THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID “OUR” CITY. PLEASE FORGET THAT YANKEES CAP I WORE TO AN INDIANS GAME.]
My goal is still to win as many titles as possible, no question. But what’s most important for me is bringing one trophy back to Northeast Ohio.
[ANY PARTICULAR TROPHY? HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?]
I looked at other teams, but I wasn’t going to leave Miami for anywhere except Cleveland.
[THE TWO MOST OPPOSITE CITIES IN THE UNITED STATES.]
This is what makes me happy.
[TOYING WITH PEOPLE. TOYING WITH PEOPLE MAKES ME HAPPY.]
We’ve talked it out. Everybody makes mistakes. I’ve made mistakes as well. Who am I to hold a grudge?
[MY JERSEYS WERE BURNED, AND I RECEIVED A DISPARAGING OPEN LETTER WRITTEN IN COMIC SANS. I HAVE EVERY REASON TO HOLD A GRUDGE.]
I’m not promising a championship. I know how hard that is to deliver.
[CLEVELAND IS CURSED. THE FRIGGEN RIVER ONCE CAUGHT ON FIRE! EVEN JESUS COULDN’T PROMISE THAT TOWN A CHAMPIONSHIP.]
I’m going into a situation with a young team and a new coach. I will be the old head.
[TO BE FAIR, MY HEAD DOES LOOK MUCH OLDER THAN THE REST OF MY BODY.]
I see myself as a mentor now and I’m excited to lead some of these talented young guys.
[THAT’S RIGHT! YOUNG MEN EXCITE ME. I SAID IT!]
I can’t wait to reunite with Anderson Varejao, one of my favorite teammates.
[AND A VERY TENDER LOVER WITH AMAZING HAIR.]
But this is not about the roster or the organization. I feel my calling here goes above basketball.
[I AM A DELUSIONAL MAN WHO HAS MISTAKEN BOUNCING A BALL WITH REAL LEADERSHIP.]
I have a responsibility to lead, in more ways than one, and I take that very seriously.
[I GET TO BE MAYOR TOO, RIGHT?]
My presence can make a difference in Miami, but I think it can mean more where I’m from.
[MIAMI IS LIKE A HOT GIRL, AND CLEVELAND IS LIKE AN UGLY GIRL WITHOUT LOW SELF ESTEEM. UNLIKE MIAMI, I CAN PROBABLY GET CLEVELAND TO DO ANAL.]
I want kids in Northeast Ohio, like the hundreds of Akron third-graders I sponsor through my foundation, to realize that there’s no better place to grow up.
I HAVE ZERO FRAME OF REFERENCE OF WHAT IT’S LIKE TO GROW UP ANYWHERE ELSE.
Maybe some of them will come home after college and start a family or open a business. That would make me smile.
[TAX WRITE-OFFS MAKE ME SMILE.]
Our community, which has struggled so much, needs all the talent it can get.
[WAIT, WHEN I PUT IT LIKE THAT, IT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A GREAT PLACE TO GROW UP. I’M CONFUSED.]
In Northeast Ohio, nothing is given. Everything is earned. You work for what you have.
[EXCEPT FOR ALL THE SECTION 8 HOUSING, OF COURSE.]
I’m ready to accept the challenge. I’m coming home.
[I’M STILL A DOUCHE, BUT YOU’RE TOO WEAK TO TELL ME TO F*CK OFF. I’M IN CONTROL. WORSHIP ME, CLEVELAND! REJOICE! REJOICE! YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!]