Killer Robots! ( and 25 Other Things We Want Banned)

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Apr. 23, 2013

The Campaign to Stop Killer Robots, a real thing being lead by a real Nobel Peace Prize winner has this week declared we must ban all killer robots, even though the number of killer robots in the world is somewhere between 0 and 100.  It’s 0.  Killer robots don’t exist.  However, the Campaign is pretty afraid that one day we’ll have the technology to make fully autonomous robots that can decide for themselves who to kill and when.  And we can’t have that because, if you saw Terminator, you know it leads to everyone being killed always!

We support this ban at Break, we asked around the office and barely anyone liked the idea of a robot killing them.  In fact, we found a whole bunch of other stuff that doesn’t exist that our staff wants to ban too, so let’s just run down the list.

  1. Flying cars being flown by drunks and cataracts patients
  2. Teleportation devices that turn you into flies and/or Jeff Goldblum
  3. Cloned dinosaurs or Schwarzeneggers
  4. Robot man-whores
  5. Dirty, underground Matrix-style raves

  1. Sexy aliens that eat you after or during mating
  2. Sexy aliens that eat you any time
  3. Aliens that need to lay eggs inside you
  4. Jar Jar Binks
  5. Giant, carnivorous worms

  1. Space pirates
  2. Gross aliens that can look like anyone but sometimes grow spider legs
  3. The next episode of Ryan Lochte’s TV show
  4. The inevitable Google Glass bathroom videos
  5. More Scientology-backed movies

  1. A song more popular than yet somehow more annoying than Gangnam Style
  2. People who try to solve the next crime on social media
  3. Next year’s lineup of shows on TLC
  4. Soylent Green or any man-based foods
  5. Butt probes

  1. Androids that look human but are like 10 times stronger than humans
  2. omputers that can realize they’re smarter than us
  3. Crappy neighborhoods full of alien refugees
  4. ED-209, that dude was whack
  5. Super smart monkeys