Deep in the heart of Florida, where all good things happen, is Creel Elementary School. Because the faculty and administration love their students so much there, they want to properly prepare their kids for standardized tests. How do you do this? By lightening up the homework load, and also by prepping them for test day with trail mix and shots of Mountain Dew.
Before we go any further, is it so bad for a school to give kids shots of Mountain Dew? They were literally shots, in a little paper cup, because the principal had heard somewhere that this was helpful to kids before tests. Possibly from Sean Hannity, he seems trustworthy, right? Someone’s grandmother felt it was inappropriate and the school was asked to stop the practice for fear of the terrible sugar crash that would surely destroy children by the acre if it were allowed to continue.
Given that there are stories of teachers having sex with students in the news pretty much every week, this seems like barely an issue at all, and because of that we want ot help Creel Elementary School. They didn’t really do anything wrong, and it’s just some party poopers who are bringing them down by not letting them Do the Dew. Since the soda fountain has been permanently cut off, try these ideas to get kids riled up for test day!
- Once a week, a teacher could have sex with a student. No wait, scratch that, that’s a terrible idea.
- Since soda is forbidden in schools, give kids shots of whiskey.
- Lace the trail mix the kids get with someone to keep them focused, like cocaine.
- Allow kids to be tested in a serious state, instead of Florida.
- First kid finished the test gets to punch the last kid who finishes.
- Carrot Top will perform for the kids before the test begins, as a reminder of what happens if you don’t take school seriously.
- Maybe just try teaching the kids so they know the test material.
- Make a big, stupid deal about standardized tests so the kids constantly dread them and sabotage their own chances in a subconscious way by putting entirely too much pressure on themselves over something that is stupid and unnecessary. Oh, you do that already? Nevermind.
- Threaten to beat the children with belts, one lash, for every wrong answer.
- Replace students with similarly dressed, highly intelligent midgets.
- If kids get answers wrong during study time, force them to watch Avril Lavigne’s new video.
- Soda may be banned, but what about Redbull and vodka?
- Right answer? You get a puppy! Wrong answer? A puppy gets sent to Cuba.
- Try motivating the kids with cigarette burns. If this fails, try motivating them by burning their friends and family.
- Fill the room with nitrous. Makes cars go fast, probably makes kids go fast.
- Robot children programmed for success will always be better than regular kids programmed to suck.
- Replace the standardized test with something totally hip and phat, like the kids say. Maybe a non-standardized test! Look out, here comes fun!
- Use some of our past stories about people in Florida as evidence of what happens to people who fail standardized tests. That oughtta be pretty motivational.
- Trail mix is weak, give kids beer and wings. Or just send us beer and wings.
- Realize that kids in Florida are already a lost cause. Sorry.