This Kid Has So Many Hickeys It Looks Like He Tried To Hump An Octopus

Hickeys were a rite of passage in middle school that showed off how you were either a slayer of poon, or very good at convincing someone to suck on your neck for extended periods of time. Once you get older, however, you find that sporting a hickey on your neck in the real world draws stares and laughs; partially because deep down we’re all 12 years old and like making sex jokes, and partially because the only people sporting hickeys are 12 years old.

Micah Musser found this out the hard way.

Hailing from Kentucky, 18-year-old Musser was arrested this past Thursday after police discovered him and several other juvenile runaways inside an abandoned building. “Empty alcoholic beverage containers” were discovered littered throughout the building, and Musser divulged to the cops that he and the other minors had drank the booze after entering the building the day prior.

But nowhere in the cops’ reports do they talk about what the fuck is doing on with Musser’s neck:

Kid looks like he got buttfucked by a rabid octopus. Best scenario: he got those hickeys after having a crazy booze-filled orgy with all the other homeless kids. Which is still sad, because even though an orgy is an orgy is an orgy, at the end of the day he’s having said orgy in an abandoned building filled with trash and daddy issues. Call me crazy, but if given the choice between having a homeless kid fuckpile orgy or sitting at home and watching pimple popping YouTube videos for eight hours, I’d go with the one that gets me all hot and bothered rather than dirty and smelling like spoiled PBR.

Musser was charged with criminal trespassing and unlawful transaction with a minor. He was booked into the Louisville Metro Corrections jail and is scheduled for a June 13th arraignment.

[H/T Smoking Gun]