Every now and then an idea comes along that is so great, so ingenious and brilliant that all of humanity has to stop and stare in wonderment.
This is not one of those times.
Ordering a bong to your parents’ house is like shoplifting: totally fine if you can get away with it, but sort of a bitch if you get caught. When it came to stealing four boxes of diet coke from Giant last week and getting caught by the security guard, all I had to do was be like “Oh whoops, forgot those were there!” and casually walk back to the register. The fuck does he really care? Dude is getting paid just above minimum wage to pretend like he gives a shit when a little old lady tries to sneak a bag of coffee filters into her purse; the most interesting part of his day is when the Washington DC crazies wander inside and start screaming about implanted microchips and radio waves, and the second most interesting is watching 16-year-old Suzie Q try to steal an entire ham by wearing a skirt and squeezing it between her thighs for the 80 feet between the deli section and the door.
Unfortunately for this kid he gets caught by mom, and this mom looks like the type of lady who hit the reef pretty hard back in her youth. Something about the poofy hair bun, the big glasses and salty soccer mom look just screams “I’ve signed over 50 MADD petitions and conveniently forgot about the time I drank a fifth of Montezuma then drove 10 miles to the nearest McDonald’s for 3:00 a.m. dinner when I was 19.”
And this is all beside the point that the kid is the least-convincing liar ever seen. “A bong? Wow! I ordered and Xbox card…er, controller?” If he was smart he would’ve told his parents it was a gift for them and NOT to open it, then surprised them with a rectangle-shaped gift a few days later. Alas, he is an idiot, hence why we’ve all been so wonderfully reminded of the phrase “What the frick?”