Lucky Kid Loses Upton As Prom Date, Gets Different Model

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on May. 24, 2013

Have you heard of Kate Upton?  We may have mentioned her once or twice before around here (and here and here).  Not-quite-a-man after our own hearts Jake Davidson got it in his head to invite Upton to his highschool prom a while back because in this hilarious age of social media you can make outlandish requests of celebrities and every so often they grant them, apparently.  Unfortunately for Jake, Ms. Upton was busy being plastered across Break and couldn’t make it to prom with him.  However, last night Jake did take Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and Rookie of the Year (you can be a rookie at wearing swimsuits, shut up) Nina Agdal to prom instead.  Let’s review the whole incident from start to finish.

Back in March, high schooler Jake uploaded this video;

It went viral because everyone loves an underdog and no one is more of an underdog than a high school kid trying to take Kate Upton to prom who shaves his non-existent beard as a seduction technique on video.  In a surprise twist, Kate Upton not only heard about the video but actually responded on Twitter saying she’d check her schedule.  To Break editors that means a restraining order is in the mail but for Jake it meant hope.

This is not who Jake took to prom.

Alas those hopes were dashed as Upton had to decline because last night she was busy hanging out with me playing Xbox 360 but not Xbox One because those don’t exist yet and even if they did, I don’t want one.  Just kidding, girls hate me.  But Upton was busy somewhere doing something in a way that was probably pretty sexy.

Lucky for Jake, Nina Agdal was following the story and, being a friendly sort of rookie swimsuit model, she approached Jake and offered herself as a date, if he was interested.  And because he’s not highly medicated, of course he said yes.  Atta boy, Jake. 

This is who Jake took to prom.

This whole story goes to show that if you put yourself out there, even if you look a little foolish, there’s a chance you can rub everyone’s face in it because you’l have photographic evidence that you went to prom with a hot, 21 year old model and then, as the icing on your cake, you got written about on Break.com.  So basically this is going to be the best year of that kid’s life.  Unless he gets in a trampoline accident that a friend films and we post that, too.

When Jake first hatched this scheme, we wrote about why the whole thing was a bad idea, which you can check out right here.  Since the rules of the game changed and Upton was out, were our predictions off base?  Was our prognostication broken?  Barely.

Pictured: Nina Agdal blowing kisses to a mannequin brought to life through black magic

Unfortunately for Jake, the swapping out of Upton only slightly altered his fate.  Like a man who opts to take back roads instead of main streets on his way to work, the journey doesn’t matter if work still blows up when you get there.  Doing a point by point revisit, we can see how Jake is still doomed, despite what must have been a really fun night.

  1. In the initial post, we mention how the other girls at school will now hate Jake.  This is the only point we are will to concede has drastically changed for two separate yet equally valid reasons.  One, Jake’s new date asked him.  This is a point in his favor as he ostracized no one.  And two, now that we think about it, most girls at school probably had no idea who Jakes was before this circus came to town so all this did was get him some more exposure.  Clever move, Jake.
  2. Our second point was about getting laid.  Is prom all about sex?  Is that all highschool kids think about?  No and yes.  No, prom is rarely about sex, ask the math club.  And yes, it’s all high school kids think about.  However!  Tangential to the second half of our first point (did any girls ever know about Jake?) we must acknowledge that we can’t say Jake would have been able to score with any girl, let alone a supermodel.
  3. Blue Balls.  Here is where I take stand as an editor and disagree with Mark Potts, author of the first article.  It is better to have lusted and lost than to never have lusted at all.  Point for Jake on this one, even if he didn’t get any action.  He still has an imagination and, unlike the rest of us, Jake knows what a supermodel smells and feels like.
  4. Weird Teachers.  This was dead on and guaranteed Jake had to avoid the awkward, longing glances of too many school officials who call their pants “slacks” and wear vests all the time.
  5. Eternal Sadness.  Too soon to call.  Today, Jake is likely riding high on a sense of euphoria.  His clothes from last night probably still smell like Nina Agdal.  He has the entire long weekend before he crashes.

Is asking a model to prom worth it?  Sure, you get on the news.  Just keep yourself grounded, kids.  Be real with it.  And try to parlay it into a reality show, if you can.

--Ian (@holytaco)