Kate Upton Got Completely REKT Off A Rock During A Topless Photo Shoot

When Kate Upton first blew up a few years back I never understood the hype. She’s blonde. She has giant boobs. Her face is pretty and her legs are skinny…


???? @si_swimsuit

A post shared by Kate Upton (@kateupton) on

…but she’s got the torso of a dump truck. Girl is so wide she takes up an entire bench on the subway to herself, “manspreading” my ass. And that’s not me being jealous – that’s me being informed. We all peeped those nudes when they came out! You can’t tell me that Kate in the magazines is the same Kate we saw in the nudes; one looks like a supermodel, the other looks like an overused wet nurse to triplets.

This, of course, was all coming from flat-chested lil’ ol me, whose only purpose in life was to chug salt and piss it out all over anyone within a five mile radius. Now that I’m older, I still think Upton is overrated – but goddamn does she make falling off a rock look good.

Regardless of whether or not we can come to a unanimous decision on Kate Upton’s hotness, can we all agree to take a moment of silence for hat guy’s career? His job was LITERALLY to keep Upton high and dry on that rock. Only qualifications required are to not grope the models (a rarity these days) and not let them fall into the ocean. As far as we know, he only accomplished half of those goals – maybe even none, who knows!

RIP hat man, you will be missed.